Ronaldo Joins Queue For Paris Hilton's Vagina

CRISTIANO Ronaldo celebrated his record-breaking £80m move to Real Madrid last night by joining the early morning queue outside Paris Hilton's private parts.

The former Manchester United winger was seen flirting with the hotel heiress in an LA nightclub as the two laughed about what it's like to be an empty shell of a human being with no concept of the value of anything.

Martin Bishop, a leading Hiltonologist, said: "It's a very special moment in a young man's life when he becomes famous enough to join the queue for Paris Hilton's vagina.

"I'm pleased to see he got there at 3am – nice and early. At that time of day he would only have had to queue for about an hour and a half.

"The waiting isn't too bad. They have snacks and magazines and there's usually a couple of buskers and a clown who does magic."

Bishop said Ronaldo would have been in the queue behind three or four baseball players, half a dozen drummers, at least two European princes and, as it was a Thursday, Charlie Sheen.

"He will eventually have moved from the garden into the lobby into the undressing area where he will have stripped to his socks before having his genitals hosed down with Mr Muscle.

"After that it's straight into the mounting zone for eight to ten minutes of perfunctory intercourse, followed by a souvenir photo, a quick cup of tea and a biscuit."

He added: "They can put the condom in a doggy bag for you, or you can choose to pin it on the 'Wall of Fame'. It's really well organised."

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Madonna Adopts Nick Griffin

POP icon Madonna has adopted the BNP leader Nick Griffin, describing him as the ‘perfect addition’ to her rainbow tribe.

Madonna first saw Griffin on the BBC’s Newsnight programme blaming Muslims for the nation’s hard drug problems. She reportedly told friends: “That is adorable and I want one.”

A spokeswoman for the singer said: “Madonna is all about diversity, and you can’t get any more diverse than a Malawian orphan and the puffy, pig-eyed, middle-aged leader of a neo-fascist political party.”

She said Griffin had already settled into Madonna’s London home and was ‘playing well’ with her other adopted son, David Banda.

“Of course we had some initial concerns but David was very forthcoming with his Meccano and by the end of the day they’d built a fully functioning scale model of a crematorium.”

She added: “Nick is very happy here and looks ever so smart in his lederhosen.”

The BNP leader was purchased for an undisclosed sum from his wife, Jackie, who defended her decision to sell her husband.

“I just wanted to give Nick a chance in life. There’s nothing here for him in Barnet.”

She added: “Madonna can give him things I never could, like a pony, a convertible VW and an extensive library of German folk songs.”

Meanwhile sources close to Angelina Jolie last night revealed the film star had made approaches to Essex County Council with a view to purchasing Jim Davidson.