Murray to be replaced with wardrobe

CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.

The Lawn Tennis Association has approved the plan and applied for Lottery funding to get the superior three-door model with the extra shelving and the mirror. The LTA did consider the technically superior Hemnes before deciding it was just that bit too expensive.

LTA chief, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “The Aspelund’s a lot broader and taller than Andy so it is more likely to come into contact with the ball.

“It’s also less likely to strop like a prick if its barley water is the wrong shade of beige or there’s a randomly-generated and arbitrarily incorrect number of towels by its chair.”

Some fans have complained the wardrobe is technically Swedish, although Hatton stressed it will be assembled in the UK and had been sitting in a Leeds warehouse since it arrived from China.

He added: “Once people see its increased mobility on the baseline and of course its greater level of charisma, the Lundmania can begin.”

Confused and lonely Carlisle housewife Margaret Hollis has already constructed a shrine to the newest flat-pack star on the ATP circuit and biologically marked her territory on Wimbledon’s renamed ‘Aspelund’s Acclivity’.

She said: “After all the effing and jeffing from the last one, watching a piece of taciturn Nordic furniture fail to win a set will be a refreshing change.

“Although I am worried about his fitness after hearing there were a couple of dowels missing from the little plastic bag.”



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Egyptian revolt delays mojito

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

In resorts across the country, which currently seems to be undergoing some sort of violent revolution, stranded holiday makers said they ordered it about 15 minutes ago.

Julian Cook, who is staying at the Amenhotep III Golf Resort and Hydroponic Spa in Sharm-El-Sheikh, said: “This is an outrage. I have actually had to go to the bar and complain. And of course they immediately fobbed me off with some rubbish about how my waiter had just been shot by the police.

“I then pointed out that I could see at least two other waiters who had not been shot by the police and would it be beyond the bounds of reason for them to simply collect a mojito and a vodka and tonic from the bar and deliver them to our table without being shot by the police.”

He added: “What’s the point of spending your hard-earned money in an oppressive dictatorship if the bar staff are just going to give you a load of lip?”

Foreign secretary William Hague said the government was reviewing its Egyptian pre-dinner drinks advice constantly but at this stage there were no plans for the Royal Marines to evacuate British tourists to hotels where the staffing levels can absorb a deadly onslaught by the forces of oppression.

Why nobody cares why Egypt matters
Tom Logan, Reading University

“Egypt is seen as a vital arbiter between Arab militancy and the west when it comes to dealing with a wide variety of issues that you couldn’t give a tuppenny fuck about.

“Although Hosni Mubarak is, to all intents and purposes, a dictator, he has managed to contain the forces of Islamic fundamentalism, which is the thing that blows stuff up while you’re watching a television programme presented by Davina McCall.

“However the resulting oppression and corruption has created a powerful opposition movement that finally found the confidence to act, particularly following the uprising in that place where your cousin went scuba diving and caught chlamydia from a Welshman.

“The big questions now are: Can Mubarak survive? Will he be replaced by genuinely democratic institutions? Or will Islamic extremists grab power and destabilise the region in way that will eventually lead to some dialogue you won’t understand in a  film that will probably star Leonardo DiCaprio as a CIA operative who doesn’t play by the rules and befriends a simple villager who will get killed about 20 minutes from the end.”