Nasri set to wander earth righting wrongs

SAMIR Nasri will spend the rest of his career going from club to club trying to do right, confirmed his agent.

With his deal with Man City under threat due to the absence of a clause covering renegade justice, the Arsenal midfielder will be destined to wander the UK, solving disputes and helping communities with his light-footed trickery.

Nasri’s agent Wayne Hayes said “While Sami’s contract keeps him at Arsenal for several more years, I know he’ll always have one eye on the road, trying to dispense summary law in a way that’s financially more lucrative than his current deal.

“Maybe he’ll turn up in Gaza to ease simmering tension in disputed territories by dribbling the ball through a minefield, or he might just come to the aid of some local villagers needing to run a ruthless property developer out of town by hammering free kicks into his face. Only Nasri knows for sure.”

Hayes was quick to dispel rumours that current negotiations were falling apart because everybody involved wanted more money than God and stressed that Nasri’s only needs were a bed for the night, a simple bowl of rice each day and 85% of all international image rights.

Nasri has become increasingly frustrated by Arsene Wenger’s insistence on using him as a creative midfield dynamo as he feels this limits his ability to gnomically teach people a little something about themselves while sorting out their problems.

He said: “The butterfly knows only the face of god in every raindrop but builds no churches, and this is why Wenger should not cup-tie me against Udinese.”

He then gathered up his flute and knapsack and hitch-hiked his way back to his simple 15-bedroom mansion.



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Otters back to f**k shit up

OTTERS have returned to the UK’s riverbanks and it’s gonna be off the chain, it has emerged.

The semi-aquatic mammals have re-established themselves in every English county, following a short spell on the endangered list caused by too much partying.

Adult male otter Flinty DM said: “We back yo and shit is gonna be LIVE.

“Now’s the time to take back the r-bank, bring the real deal party feel, get crunk all night long.

“S’up to all the freaks, all the conservationists, the reed bed crew, the mustelid family. Holla!”

He added: “Minks and stoats been talking shit, saying we were extinct. Fuck those haters.”

Less than a decade ago, otters faced extinction after the species picked up a debilitating addiction to cough syrup which left them too drowsy to reproduce.

But the recent surge in otter numbers has been greeted with cautious enthusiasm by naturalists.

Dr Tom Logan said: “Our key challenge now is to stop the otters getting too fucked up to catch any fish and consequently nearly dying out again.

“Also their music tends to keep the other species awake. Especially the water voles, which have sensitive ears and a particular aversion to heavy bass frequencies.”