Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club’s 6-0 win over Aston Villa.

Last night the city had begun to morph into a fascinating, cosmopolitan metropolis full of actual humans as the ripples of temporal instability spread throughout the North East.

Quantum footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “The immense pressure of decades of groundless expectation has finally caused a tear in the time/space/football continuum.

“Every unrealistic ambition, Champion’s League prediction and plan involving Kevin Keegan’s head on Alan Shearer’s body could now invade the realm of the sane.

“The win over Villa escaped from a self-perpetuating quantum dimension known as the Benitez Zone, in which up is down, black is white – which actually makes the Newcastle kit look exactly the same – and where Andy Carroll isn’t just eight foot of greased monkey.”

The effects were first felt when a fan outside St James Park asked a hotdog vendor if they served salad. By late afternoon the shockwaves had spread so far that Sir Alex Ferguson was seen being gracious in a postmatch interview at Fulham.

But Hayes stressed that Newcastle was still connected to a ‘universal reality’ with the confirmation that Joey Barton continues to be a little shit.

He added: “After a sensible period of stabilisation and a promising start to the season, the fans will soon be asking for Chris Hughton to be replaced by Catherine Cookson and they will all be sucked back through the wormhole, like a Geordie eating his breakfast Pot Noodle.”


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Is Britain Using Auto-Moron?

BRITAIN is using state-of-the-art audio visual technology to make itself even more moronic, it was claimed last night.

Experts say ‘auto-moron’ is being deployed in the corner of most British living rooms. It consists of a screen between 20 and 46 inches wide, has two speakers, is connected to an ‘aerial’ or ‘dish’ and is controlled using a ‘doo-da’.

Fears of widespread auto-moron use were raised at the weekend after millions of people across the country gave credibility to a singing contest being judged by Geri Halliwell and Cheryl Cole.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “The auto-moron beams modulated frequencies at the Large Moronic Frontal Lobe until it reaches a pitch-perfect state of cretinosity.

“The most effective moronification wavelengths are singing contests, dancing contests, celebrity pie-making contests and 24 hour news.”

He added: “The most frustrating thing about auto-moron is that it’s so unnecessary. Because of the Daily Mail.”

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “Most of the time I’m just an enthusiastic amateur moron who reads Jan Moir, but look what happens when I press a button on the doo-da…

“Good singing. Bad singing. Simon’s in a funny mood tonight. They’re really good at the dancing, I’ll bet they’re having the sex.”

She added: “Nick Clegg seems like a nice man. Did you know that marmalade gives you Alzheimers? And it’s not like the world’s going to run out of Pakistanis.

“Oooooh, what a lovely pie.”