Newcastle Fans To Resume Inexplicable Self-Confidence

NEWCASTLE United fans resumed their adorable self-confidence last night by insisting their team was on course to win the Premier League next year without conceding a single goal.

Oh yeah, and Newcastle is the best city in the world, apparently

The Magpies clinched promotion yesterday after the rest of the Championship allowed them to be promoted just to see how funny it will be when they go straight back down.

Nottingham Forest manager, Billy Davies, said: "We had a meeting last August and agreed it was worth sacrificing a promotion spot just to see the looks on their fat little faces when they lose 7-0 at home to Birmingham."

But Wayne Hayes, secretary of the Newcastle United Supporter’s Club, said: "It's been a long hard year of not being able to make ridiculously confident predictions based on nothing.

"But that's the price you pay when you give your heart and soul to the biggest and most successful football club that's ever existed."

He added: "I've told my local tattooist to order in a big bucket of black ink so I can have 'Champions Of Europe 2011' etched into my stomach next week."

Meanwhile owner Mike Ashley has thanked manager Chris Houghton for winning promotion by immediately firing him and scouting for a household name who will be utterly useless.

Ashley said: "We're already in talks with Cheryl Cole's people and I've asked that actor who played Brian Clough to be her assistant."

He added: "Wait a minute – what about Nelson Mandela?"