Of course I preferred Barcelona, says referee

THE referee of Manchester City’s match against Barcelona has said he favoured the Catalan team because they are much better. 

Swede Jonas Eriksson said: “Giving Barca a penalty and a City player a red card helped the match to the right result.

“Barcelona are not only a team with a long and proud history, a unique relationship with their fans and attractive shirts, they also play like angels.

“City, in contrast, are an oil money vanity project with no connection to their heritage whose presence in Europe will be as baffling to future generations as that time Blackburn won the Premier League.

“I’m thinking of sending off the entire City team in the second leg, then we can all enjoy the passing magnificence of Barca unsullied by opposition.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Put cancer in vapes, say non-smokers

NON-SMOKERS would prefer vaping to be fatal, it has emerged.

Smoking abstainers are calling for e-cigarettes to contain deadly and debilitating chemicals to allow them to continue feeling smug.

Non-smoker Tom Logan said: “My neighbour has a much better job than me and a far more attractive girlfriend, but as he’s a smoker I could always take comfort in the thought of him dying an agonising death.

“Recently however he started vaping, so now he probably won’t have a leg amputated or get lung cancer.

“His clothes don’t stink, I never see him shivering out in the garden and if anything he’s smoking more.

“I definitely think they should put cancer in vapes. That or something worse, like bubonic plague or toxic waste that makes you turn into a monster.”

Office manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “Now that all my smoker mates are using supposedly harmless vapes, I’ve had to start hanging around crack houses to feel better than others.

“But I keep getting my purse stolen and if you’re not interested in crack they really don’t have much else to talk about.”