Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Get your Victoria Derbyshire name by combining your favourite Spice Girl and English county. Yours is Scary Rutland.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After taking the “Which Character From Krapp’s Last Tape Are You?” quiz, you discover you’re Krapp.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Despite boasting exhaustive selection of products, FunkyPigeon.com don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Two weeks of going to the gym has really made a difference. You never used to cry when putting your coat on.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, there are some things you should never write for yourself and those are Valentine’s cards, work references and your own nickname. Suicide notes? Absolutely fine.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the ninth son of a ninth son of a ninth son, you were always destined to be a fireman.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After reading news stories about floods stopping burials taking place and the rising use of food banks, you contact Tory central office with a bold new scheme.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Actors get Oscar nominations for portraying people with an illness but all you got for that month off work with a ‘bad back’ is your P45.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Simply scratch off this horoscope to reveal the prize underneath. Please be aware theres a strong possibility it could be a back-to-front horoscope.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After no alcohol in January and no carbs in February, you’re planning on ‘no feeling like kicking everybody’s head in’ for March.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
As the doctor takes your temperature this week, Mercury enters Uranus.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now wash your hands.