Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Get your Victoria Derbyshire name by combining your favourite Spice Girl and English county. Yours is Scary Rutland.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After taking the “Which Character From Krapp’s Last Tape Are You?” quiz, you discover you’re Krapp.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Despite boasting exhaustive selection of products, don’t appear to have a ‘Make another one of those twatting adverts and I’ll hunt you down like a war criminal’ card.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Two weeks of going to the gym has really made a difference. You never used to cry when putting your coat on.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, there are some things you should never write for yourself and those are Valentine’s cards, work references and your own nickname. Suicide notes? Absolutely fine.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the ninth son of a ninth son of a ninth son, you were always destined to be a fireman.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After reading news stories about floods stopping burials taking place and the rising use of food banks, you contact Tory central office with a bold new scheme.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Actors get Oscar nominations for portraying people with an illness but all you got for that month off work with a ‘bad back’ is your P45.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Simply scratch off this horoscope to reveal the prize underneath. Please be aware there’s a strong possibility it could be a back-to-front horoscope.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After no alcohol in January and no carbs in February, you’re planning on ‘no feeling like kicking everybody’s head in’ for March.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
As the doctor takes your temperature this week, Mercury enters Uranus.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Now wash your hands.

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Meulensteen discovers Magath has drunk his tea

EX-FULHAM manager Rene Meulensteen is furious that a pot of tea he had brewed to perfection was consumed by his replacement.

The hapless tactician had been out of the room for four minutes, which was sufficient time for Magath to pour the tea and take at least two cautious sips.

Meulensteen said: “I’d been gone just long enough time for the flavours to blend but not long enough for the tea to stew.

“So you can imagine my disappointment at seeing Magath sat there nursing a cup.

“When I checked the pot there wasn’t enough for me, Ray Wilkins, Alan Curbishley or any of the other people who may or may not manage Fulham these days.”

Magath is known for his authoritarian attitude and has already banned mobile phones, iPods and crack cocaine from training.

While his arrival appears to mark the end of Meulensteen’s brief and baffling rein, the club insists that the Dutchman is still under contract. Indeed statistics suggest that around seven in every 10 people in the UK are currently managing Fulham.

A government poster campaign will outline symptoms of the condition, such as gazing morosely at the league table and knowing who Alexander Kacaniklic is.