Premier League chairman wakes up wondering who the f**k he bought last night

A PREMIER League chairman has woken up in the boardroom with vague memories of going on a transfer binge late last night. 

West Bromwich Albion owner Jeremy Peace regained consciousness face down on an oak table, to the sound of a fax machine spewing out pages and the nagging feeling that he made some impulsive decisions before midnight. 

He said: “Who, or what, the fuck is Allan Nyom? 

“I only ask because I’ve got some paperwork here with his name all over it but no indication or whether he’s a striker or a midfielder or a goalkeeper or whatever. 

“It’s the same every transfer deadline. I go after someone, I don’t get him, the green mist comes down and suddenly I’m bidding for every creative midfielder I can find footage of on YouTube. 

“The last thing I remember is screaming down the phone in Spanish that I’d pay £32 million for Ricardo Carvalho, so how I ended up with Hal Robson-Kanu I don’t know. I thought he played for us already. 

“Ah well, it’s only Chinese money. But Pulis is going to go mental.” 

Peace then began repeatedly banging his head on the table after realising he had forgotten to sell Saido Berahino for the third window running. 

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Channel 4 sex programmes are great, claims dark creature that lives inside the soul of man

THE eternal blackness that festers in the soul of mankind has declared that Channel 4’s ‘sex shows’ are great.

The unspeakable darkness said that the shows were both entertaining and informative and a lot better than the boring documentaries that Channel 4 used to show.

The creature said: “I’ve always wondered how a date would go if the person got to see five naked people first, and they all had truly dreadful singing and acting careers to promote.”

And Sex Box, what’s not to like about Sex Box? That Steve Jones really knows how to tell a joke and even more so, he really knows how to handle the awkward silence that follows it.”

A spokesperson for Channel 4 said, “We’re glad that so many dark entities like our news shows. We’re also going to be doing Come Dog with Me, where four perverts take turns to host each other at their local dogging spots.”

Then we’ve got Naked Coach Trip, where a group of naked people go on a coach trip and have sex. It’s a bold social experiment.

“Finally there’s something called Sex Chimney, not sure what that is yet but we just liked the name.”