Ooo-o-o-o-oooooh ! Your temperature was up a bit
So I just called NHS Direct
They said it’s probably a 24-hour thing
And that you should take a Nurofen and stay–yeee–yayyy in bed
Whoooahhhh! Ooooohhhh ! I also told them I have a gaping wound in my
so-o-o-o-oul, er, as well as a dull pain in my lower b-a-a-ck.
That was something I wrote for Gwyneth when she went down with the lurgy recently. People might think I just write songs about the human condition and how we’re like, doing really, really bad things to the planet – the truth is, I also like to write about trivial stuff, like the time Gwyneth and myself had a massive row over what we wanted to watch on TV.
Oooooh ! I want to watch Ray Mears living as one with nature
Oooo-eeeeeeeh ! I tell you what, I’ll Sky Plus your Patrick Swayze
Oooo-ahhhhhhh ! And you can watch it later on, when I’ve gone out.
By the time I’d arranged the music and sat down at the keyboard, the film had ended and I had to make do with watching the extras on my Blue Planet DVD. Hey guys, do you realise that the duck-billed platypus will be extinct in 57,000 years unless we stop using those industrial-sized toasters that can, like, do eight slices in one go. Think of that the next time you’re stuffing your face with eggy soldiers.
Gwyneth and myself have fallen out – again. It boils down to the fact that she wants to bring another child into this cruel, decaying, poluted shithole of a world, and I say ‘no’ – the planet can’t cope with another. She’s already handed me a list of potential names – apparently it’s a toss-up between: Carrot, Rhubarb, Alonso Moseley FBI and Yahtzee. Following our row, I went off into my study and wrote this:
Ooo-oooh ! The earth is not long for this world
There are too many shitty nappys already
Her and her daft ideas
Oooooh-eee-ooooh ! Quick, that’s her coming back in the room – better stop writing this
Or she’ll ki-l-l-l-llll meeeeeeeeee—eeeee–eeeeeeee !
My loyal fanbase will be pleased to hear that my forthcoming world tour will be eco-friendly, which means the snack bar on my private Boeing 757 has been stocked with Fair Trade cashew nuts and organic prawn cocktail crisps. Musically-speaking, I won’t be doing the usual Coldplay material – instead, I’ll be performing some really cool TV theme tune covers from the seventies – here’s a brief taster of what you can expect:
Ohhhh-whoahhhhhhh ! Ground flo-o-o-o-o-r;
Perfumery, stationary and leather goo-ooo-o-o-ooods,
wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and
food. Go-o-o-o-ing up…
O-o-o-o-h ! Whooo-ooooahhh ! First floor:
Telephones, gents ready made suits,
Shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear and
Shoes. Going up…
As told to Matt Owen