Ronaldo to use solid gold ball for rest of season

CRISTIANO Ronaldo has pledged to take free-kicks with a solid gold ball.

The Real Madrid star will be brought the Ballon d’Or on a platter for each free-kick and will add the presentation of the ball to his current five-minute pre-kick ritual.

Doctors have urged Ronaldo not to kick the ball, stressing it is only intended to be symbolic and not designed for match play.

The Portuguese player first won the trophy  in 2008, but he suffered a dip in form after spending much of the season staring at his own reflection in the shiny orb.

A Real Madrid spokesman said: “We’ve told him that kicking it will almost certainly break his foot, but he thinks we’re being stupid.

“We’ve given up trying to tell him what to do. That’s why he wears skin-tight pink jeans and refers to himself as ‘CR7’.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Falling inflation means system will find some other way to screw you

BRITAIN is waiting to find out how it will be made to pay dearly for low inflation.

Experts said the 0.5 percent rate meant there would be a brief period where you may feel relatively prosperous, but it will be brought to a shuddering halt with something particularly cruel and nasty.

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I’m an economist so I don’t really know how any of this works, but someone, somewhere will either fuck something up or do something quite deliberate.

“It will lead to some sort of crunch or squeeze, or perhaps a bubble will pop.  It will be blamed on ‘the system’ but it will actually be caused by people.

“Either way, it’s going to be very bad for you. Oh well.”

He added: “But don’t despair because you can protect yourself against ‘the system’. All you have to do is become very, very rich indeed.”