London buses turned into flats

LONDON’S unused buses have been sold off as luxury apartments for the mega-rich.

During today’s bus strike the entire fleet of almost 9,000 buses has been driven to the capital’s most desirable addresses, had the wheels removed and the interiors clad in Siberian larch, and are on the market for between £500,000 and £1.8 million.

Boris Johnson said: “What could be a more iconic London property than the double-decker bus, parked in hitherto unavailable locations like Tower Bridge, Trafalgar Square and the Dartford Tunnel?”

If the scheme is successful, Transport for London is already planning to turn tube trains into a network of private clubs and conference rooms.

Susan Traherne, from Crouch End said: “I got on the bus to get to work, was mistaken for a maid and now I earn £42,000 a year cleaning it for an Arab investor who will never actually live there.”


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Cadbury warned not to tamper with whatever the f**k is inside Creme Eggs

CREME Egg fans have told Cadbury not to change that weird shit in the middle.

After the company changed the ingredients of the chocolate shell, consumers said the recipe for the yellow and white goo is both unknowable and sacred.

Katherine Walker, from Hatfield, warned Cadbury: “You’re already out of your depth with this chocolate bullshit.

“If you even think about changing the recipe of whatever the fuck that stuff is, you better write me an apology song.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I actually scoop out the goo and throw the chocolate away. I don’t eat the goo, I use it as shower gel.”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “It’s filth. That’s why I can’t stop.”