Stupid business idea sickeningly successful

A TERRIBLE business idea has made an entrepreneur undeservedly rich, it has emerged.

Fucked. Up.

Former marketing executive Donna Sheridan now has a personal fortune of £20 million thanks to her idea of swimwear for pets.

Sheridan said: “I was walking my basset hound Jools on the beach when the idea hit me. Would pets like their own range of swimwear, and will imbeciles pay for it?

“I immediately took out a bank loan that no responsible lender should have authorised and I soon had a factory turning out bikinis for dogs, one-pieces for cats and swim shorts for budgies.

“Despite animals not needing, wanting or understanding swimwear, it really took off and soon I had to set up a highly profitable retail chain to meet demand.”

Despite Sheridan’s already massive unwarranted success, she will soon be even richer after the government offered her a £1.2 billion contract to supply all police dogs with tight-fitting trunks.

She added: “My next step is to diversify into laptops for pets, which is even more pointless but more expensive.”

Sheridan has been shortlisted for Businessperson of the Year 2015, although she faces stiff competition from the creators of scented trousers, pre-brewed microwaveable tea and organic patio heaters.

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Boyfriend gets massage right by total accident

A MAN has given his girlfriend a satisfactory massage completely by chance.

The massage took place shortly after midnight on Sunday, when Nikki Hollis arrived at Tom Booker’s flat after finishing her shift behind the bar at a local pub.

Booker said: “We haven’t been seeing each other that long so when she asked me if I could give her a massage, I wasn’t going to say no.

“I’ve given previous girlfriends massages but they’ve never gone well. Some have probably caused more harm than good if I’m being totally honest.

“I’m guessing that’s because I’m not a trained masseur. I work for an insurance company.”

Booker added: “But this time, I just thought ‘fuck it’, I’ll rub and push and basically copy what I’ve seen people doing on television shows and in films.

“And what do you know, she actually said it was relaxing and asked me if I would do it again for her sometime. I said ‘of course’ but the likelihood of me getting it right twice in a row is non-existent

“The next time she asks, I’ll just pretend to faint.”