Screaming women disrupt darts championship

HYSTERICAL female darts fans have caused play at the BDO World Championship to be suspended.

The clash between Martin Adams and Jeff Smith was postponed after Adams’ fans rushed the stage in an attempt to get close to the man commonly acknowledged as the planet’s sexiest sportsman.

Play was halted while security removed the most passionate spectators, some of whom fainted when Adams addressed them directly.

Self-described ‘Martinette’ Nikki Hollis said: “He looks like George Clooney meets Brad Pitt. Specifically if George rolled Brad in butter and ate him.”

Adams said: “My body is the result of a lifetime of pushing myself to the limit, and I suppose attention is inevitable.

“I can deal with the odd wolf-whistle, but we could barely see the dartboard through the blizzard of thongs.”

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Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight

FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged.

Thousands of fit, toned self-absorbed individuals are strangely concerned about losing weight gained over the festive season, despite looking exactly the same as they did before.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “My colleague Clare keeps going on about ‘getting rid of the Christmas bulge’, which is odd because she doesn’t drink, has the body fat ratio of a sinewy monkey and did a triathlon on Boxing Day.

“I’d worry she was mentally ill if I didn’t realise it was just a devious way of showing off, like when she pretended to be annoyed about wearing out another pair of trainers.”

Fitness instructor Tom Logan said: “I got really out of shape during Christmas. Obviously I skipped the turkey and potatoes, but those sprouts can play hell with your metabolic rate.

“I’ve definitely put on a bit of weight around my abs, which means I have to keep showing them to women to illustrate how I intend to get back in shape.

“When I’m back to my target weight I’ll have to find another way to bring my physical fitness into the conversation. Maybe a marathon. For charity, of course.”