Sherwood launches 'mind banter' campaign against Wenger

TIM Sherwood will forego traditional cup final ‘mind games’ in favour of subtly inferring that Arsene Wenger is unable to down a pint.  

The Aston Villa manager revealed he would intimidate his Arsenal counterpart with pre-match pyschological warfare ‘based exclusively around classic bants’.

He said: “At every press conference from now until the FA Cup final, I will be doing my very best to tacitly infer that Arsene is a shit lad.”

Sherwood’s campaign of ‘mind banter’ will be a series of observations about Wenger, including his low alcohol tolerance and his massive, sleeping bag coat.

He added: “Then, in the week leading up to the game, I will post photos on Facebook of him next to Blanche from Coronation Street, with the caption: ‘Separated at birth lol ;-)’.”

Villa striker Christian Benteke said: “Tim has stopped coming to training in order to spend more time photoshopping Mr Wenger’s head into porn pictures.”

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Syria-bound family just really hated Stoke

MEMBERS of a British family headed for Syria have confirmed they were just sick of the Midlands.

The would-be Syrian citizens initially flew to Turkey to get as far away from Stoke as physically possible and still be in Europe, but decided it was not far enough and kept going.

Family spokesman Tom Logan said: “Their young children were starting to develop a Stoke accent.”

He added: “The Home Office needs to stop persecuting people for fleeing to Syria and start asking why they’d prefer to live in a pile of rubble with a bunch of religious maniacs, rather than Stoke.”

The family asked Turkish authorities if, rather than returning them to Stoke, they can have all their belongings burned in front of them and be left to wander the countryside.