Sol Campbell autobiography to focus on his previous lives

SOL Campbell’s autobiography focuses on his experiences as a handmaiden to Queen Elizabeth I in a previous life. 

The book glosses over his time as Arsenal captain, his acrimonious departure from Spurs and his 73 England caps, choosing instead to give an in-depth insider’s account of life at the court of the Virgin Queen, where he served as a lady-in-waiting between 1559 and 1603.

Campbell writes: “I was a trusted gentlewoman of the privy chamber, and regularly advised the Queen on matters ranging from contemporary theatre to inter-religious conflict.

“Truly, the years I spent at court were the happiest of my lives.”

His recollection that Elizabeth enjoyed Monster Munch and Subbuteo is likely to prove controversial, though the former Portsmouth man insists that any of his historical claims can be verified simply by asking him.

Campbell records that he also enjoyed spells as a Roman centurion, a buccaneer on the high seas, and a gin smuggler in Prohibition-era Illinois.

The book is to be published by Random House after Campbell walked out on rival publishers Simon & Schuster because they lacked ambition.

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Best Emoji won by one that looks like a penis

THE prestigious Emoji awards have given the emoji that most resembles a dick the top prize for the third year in a row.

The Nose beat the Eggplant and the Squirting Whale for Best Emoji, Most Useful Emoji, and Emoji That Most Looks Like A Dick at the glittering ceremony in London’s Guildhall.

Judge Mary Fisher said: “When you want to call someone a cock, suggest they could suck your cock or merely want the world to know you have a cock, this emoji is perfect.

“Today’s semi-literate teenagers don’t have the vocabulary to type ‘kiss my massive choad’, but they can send an emoji of lips, the classic nose, an explosion and then three drops of liquid.

“That’s a pictorial sequence nobody could fail to understand, or indeed to respond to sexually.”

Other winners included Bikini for Best Foreplay, XX-Eyes for Best Emotional State, and Waving Hand for Best Self-Abuse.

Student Tom Logan said: “I’ve used Lipstick, I’ve used Banana, I’ve even used Pointing Finger when I’m in the mood for foreplay, but I always come back to Nose.

“Initially the lack of a jizzing tip seems a painful omission, but actually that subtlety helps create a real sense of courtly romance when I’m wooing a lady through my iPhone.

“And, once we’ve consummated our relationships, I dump her by sending Toilet.”