'Sports' and 'personality' not really compatible

BEING really into sport and having a personality are two quite different things, the BBC has finally realised.

The corporation has been searching unsuccessfully for a corporate-sponsored, obsessively perfectionist streak of sinew who is also tremendous fun.

A BBC spokesman said: “Maybe training 20 hours a day while living on water and protein bars isn’t how witty individualists are made.

“For example, Oscar Wilde was probably pretty shit at triathlon. And I doubt Jeffrey Bernard was a tremendous sprinter.

“I guess we’ll just have to – for the millionth time –  give the award to someone whose favourite film of all time is Titanic.

“Dear god, it’s always fucking Titanic.

“I don’t think we’ll be doing this charade again next year.”

Frontrunners for the award include Jessica Ennis, whose hobbies include chilling out, Andy Murray who is Scottish and Bradley Wiggins who has sideburns.

The spokesman said: “Wiggins is leading the pack right now because he said ‘wankers’ twice. Once in April, then again in August.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

50p tax rate successfully rids Britain of unwanted millionaires

THE 50p tax rate has been hailed as a success after thousands of ghastly millionaires fled Britain like it was on fire.

The rate, brought in by something called Gordon Brown, was designed to rid the country of wealthy people and make Aston Martins and Kensington town houses more affordable for average income families.

But while the price of supercars and central London real estate remains stubbornly high, experts said Britain is at least free of millions and millions of third-rate pounds.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Also, the government does not have to waste time deciding how to spend the £7 billion that would have been raised had the rate been left as it was. It’s a win-win.”