JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.
Recent signings including Emmanual Adebayor and Roqué Santa Cruz, alongside existing players like Craig Bellamy, have boosted City's despicability rating. Hopes were high that neutral fans would not find anyone they would be willingly to urinate on, regardless of whether they were on fire or not.
Terry's decision means City boss Mark Hughes will now be forced to find another centre back who blames his teammates for his own mistakes, often before the game has even started.
But the Chelsea captain said: "My decision was never in doubt and that is why I decided to say absolutely nothing for as long as I possibly could."
He added: "With Ballack, Lampard and Essien, I think Chelsea can still be the most eye-gougingly repulsive club in the country.
"Look at our front two. Who would not jump at the chance to smash Drogba and Anelka's teeth in one by one with a toffee hammer. Even our own fans dislike them, and that's just world class."
City fans still hope their team can become the most revolting in Manchester. Stephen Malley, from Gorton, said: "Selling Ronaldo immediately makes United 20% less detestable.
"Gary Neville will soon be sent to live on a farm and Michael Owen is quite lovable in a fragile sort of way, like the little boy from The Sixth Sense.
"If Ferguson resigns, the title's ours. They'd have to hire Gary Glitter as coach to have any hope of being hated more."