I am a 31 year old woman and I haven't yet managed to find that special someone. I used to relish being single when I was in my twenties, but now I am just pathetic and lonely. While my married friends spend their weekends dripping with wholesomeness in the park or leaping around with a beachball at a sickeningly harmonious family picnic, I am to be found alone in my dark, squalid little flat, attempting to lure unsuspecting bachelors inside in the desperate hope of snaring one as a husband forever. When I'm not unsuccessfully tempting random gentlemen with offers of sordid sex over a flowery bedspread, my only other option is to don a pair of Topshop pyjamas from 1995, cover myself in biscuit crumbs, and fiddle with myself on the sofa while watching Pretty Woman. Can you help me find a man?
Sometimes my mummy and daddy hate each other. I know this because they say it very loudly when I am trying to watch Hannah Montana in my bedroom. Most of my friends at school don't have a mummy and daddy who still live together and they're lucky because they get two sets of presents for birthdays and Christmas. Susan Hoddle has two mummies, but she's just weird and no-one wants to sit next to her. What I'm trying to tell you is that you need to stop worrying about getting married, because you'll probably just end up getting a divorce and your ex-husband will start going out with someone from your big sister's year at school. Even if you do manage to stay together he'll just shout at you every night while you slam doors and cry and then he'll tell you you're a 'self-righteous old cow who can’t have a laugh anymore'.
Hope that helps!