French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

The rodents, who are expected to arrive at Sunday lunchtime, have been trained to home-in on the smell of roast dinners.

Intelligence expert John Hardy said: "As unsuspecting British families prepare to tuck into their Yorkshire puddings, a horde of continental vermin will pile down the chimney and sink their tiny, disease-ridden, Camembert-stinking teeth into any exposed flesh."

He added: "The reason the French are doing this is because they're the French."

Physically, the creatures are similar to squirrels but can be identified by their berets and the tiny paperback editions of the collected works of Jean-Paul Satre which they carry tucked under one arm.

Brigadier General Martin Stewart: said: "In 1976 they tried something similar using underwater beavers with hepatitis, but we laid a series of depth charges which brought them to the surface at which we point we machine-gunned them.

"My advice to families is to stay indoors and don't buy a Renault."

Intelligence sources claim Britain attempted a counter-attack, in the wake of the beaver invasion, involving dyspeptic bulldogs being parachuted into the mountains near Cannes.

However, the dogs are said to have been diverted by the easy availability of cheap foie gras, coupled with 300 days of sunshine a year and excellent public services.

It is believed their descendants still run a charming gite complex just outside Avignon.

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Road Tax Spent On Moats

MOTORING taxes may have been used to fund non-transport related expenditure such as great big moats, according to a new report.

A cross-party committee of MPs said that in recent years vehicle excise duty and congestion charges may some how have found their way into the big pot that is normally used for making their houses nicer.

Chairman Lousie Ellman said: "We could not actually find any evidence of motoring taxes being used to make the country's transport system any better. In fact it does now seem we may have spent it all on moats and tellies."

In recent years the government has increased car-related taxation with the promise that it would be ring-fenced and used to build a floating, hypersonic train that would stop outside your bedroom door.

But concerns were raised after some people noticed the existing rail system was now worse than that of 19th Century Burma, while much of the M1 looks like those photos of the road to Basra at the end of 1991 Gulf War.

The department of transport insisted it had used some of the moat money for transport projects, including an electric hovercraft from Windermere to Ambleside and more than three million miles of breathtakingly pointless cycle lanes.

A spokesman said: "We even put a cycle lane around Douglas Hogg's moat so that his moat cleaner could cycle around the moat, skimming leaves off the surface without having to emit gas."

Bill McKay, a Volvo driver from Stevenage, said: "So road taxes are not used to make the roads better? I'm so glad you told me because that would never have occured to me in a billion fucking years."