Thank god the football’s back, says man who refused to watch Women’s Euros

FINALLY there is football on again, according to a man who avoided the women’s European Championships.

Wayne Hayes has declared that the long months of football-free tedium are at an end at last, deliberately ignoring the fact that one of the sport’s showcase events has been on every day for weeks.

Hayes said: “There’s been no football at all since June. Except the Confederations Cup, and the Premier League Asia Trophy, which don’t count for obvious reasons.”

According to his friends, Hayes has avoided conversations about the women’s Euro 2017 and pretended not to know who Steph Houghton and Jodie Taylor are.

Colleague Nikki Sheridan said: “I mentioned the cricket, and Wayne perked up, until he realised I meant the women’s cricket, then he looked hurt.”

Hayes added: “I may have seen the odd minute here and there of the Lionesses, but that’s just because I hate the French and not because I actually felt pride in the achievements of an England team for the first time in 27 years.

“If they’re quite good it’s because their manager has a penis.”