Holidaying Trump reveals true tentacled form

ALIEN creature Donald Trump has dropped its human being disguise while on holiday.

The squid-like extraterrestrial Trump, which spends most of the year encased in a fairly realistic latex man-suit, hopes to relax and stretch out its tentacles during a 17-day golf break.

Trump said: “It’ll be great to just step away from it all and float around in a special tank of chemicals designed to mimic the purple seas of my home planet.

“Occasionally aides will lob in a live calf or homeless person as a snack, otherwise I’ll just be kicking back with a John Grisham or slithering around a golf course.

“It’s a much-needed break as I’m under a lot of pressure from work. I’m supposed to destroy human civilisation by 2019 so that my species can come and harvest the planet’s natural resources.

“Damn I think that was supposed to be a secret. But everybody’s guessed by now anyway.”

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Edinburgh Fringe theatre group shocks with swearword in title of play

A THEATRE company has shocked the Edinburgh Fringe by having a swear word in the title of its new show.

Producers and stunned theatre goers are claiming the play Kick the Cat in the Bollocks could change everything about performance art.

Director, Tom Logan, said: “We are expecting a large crowd of animal rights activists and Christians to be picketing the premier. This is the price you pay for challenging convention.”

Theatre goer, Emma Bradford, said: “Goodness me, that play has a swear word in its title. How in the blazes was that allowed to happen? It’s quite a turn-up.”

A Festival spokeswoman added: “Actually, this year there are few others with swear words in the title.

“There’s Shit on Me Tony, Like You Shat on the World , there’s I Am Jacob Rees-Fuck – Hear Me Squelch and there’s my own show, Ouija Board Christ Bastard.

“They’re all about Brexit in one way or another.”