Southern Sainsbury's has weird veg, northern man reports

A NORTHERN man has returned from a trip to the Cotswolds and confirmed that the Sainsbury’s there has unusual vegetables.

Stephen Malley, thought by friends to be quite the sophisticated traveller, related to a rapt pub the strange flora and fauna he encountered in the store.

He said: “I’m no yokel. I’ve visited supermarkets in upmarket areas before. I know there is more to the natural world than Asda dares believe.

“But I’ve never seen anything like this Sainsbury’s. There was veg there that I’ve only ever heard tell of in the books of Nigel Slater.

“Dhudi, or as the natives call it ‘white pumpkin’. Australian finger limes. Black figs. Samphire. Whole bins of fennel. It was like walking through a carefully branded jungle.

“These vegetables could only survive in an economic climate that supported them, among people that had made them sacred in order to make themselves posh. It was a glimpse of another world.

“Then I bought a case of Peroni and buggered off.”

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Cat watching from window knows your deepest, darkest secrets

THE cat that sits in the window of the house opposite to you all day is peering disapprovingly into the murkiest recesses of your soul, it has been confirmed.

Joseph Turner, who lives in Cresswell Drive, Reading, spends every day enduring the unblinking gaze of a tortoiseshell cat who knows that deep down he is a failure, a liar and a perverted disgrace to society.

He said: “It sits. It stares. And it judges.

“Rationally, I know it’s a cat. It could just be looking for a mouse or a laser pointer it can stalk and doesn’t care about me in the slightest.

“In truth, though, this cat knows all my secrets. It knows my CV is full of lies. It knows my toilet breaks are extended just to kill time till five o’clock.

“This cat knows that when I am staring into the middle distance I’m remembering one of the times I got drunk and said or did something very, very bad indeed.

“The cat knows. Ask it. It will blink once, slowly, to say ‘Oh, yes.’”