International handball ticket sales sluggish

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

It's like football, but with a different body part

Despite signs reading “Free beer!”, “It’s handball, for Christ’s sake” and “It’s the Swedish women! You know, the ones Usain Bolt was knocking around with the night after he won the 100 metre gold! Them!”,  the non-Olympic sporting event is almost entirely without an audience.

Wayne Hayes was among  several fans in the the giant, near-empty arena.

He said: “I queued since 3am to ensure I got a decent seat. Turns out that wasn’t necessary.”

Hayes’ best friend Tom Booker had a ticket but neglected to turn up.

He said: “Women’s sports aren’t really my thing.”

Members of the Swedish handball team took time out from the game to personally visit Booker’s house and ask if he might care to watch, and maybe join them for a drink afterwards.

Booker refused, saying: “I’m up early getting a coach to watch a Division Two clash between Tranmere and Scunthorpe.

“Also I’m saving up for Rio 2016. It’s going to be expensive but seeing those elite athletes, especially the ones in the erotically-charged women’s events, you can’t put a price on that.”

Event organiser Julian Cook said: “I’m surprised to say the least, especially as we spent a considerable amount booking Pink Floyd for the post-match entertainment.”