International handball ticket sales sluggish

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

Despite signs reading “Free beer!”, “It’s handball, for Christ’s sake” and “It’s the Swedish women! You know, the ones Usain Bolt was knocking around with the night after he won the 100 metre gold! Them!”,  the non-Olympic sporting event is almost entirely without an audience.

Wayne Hayes was among  several fans in the the giant, near-empty arena.

He said: “I queued since 3am to ensure I got a decent seat. Turns out that wasn’t necessary.”

Hayes’ best friend Tom Booker had a ticket but neglected to turn up.

He said: “Women’s sports aren’t really my thing.”

Members of the Swedish handball team took time out from the game to personally visit Booker’s house and ask if he might care to watch, and maybe join them for a drink afterwards.

Booker refused, saying: “I’m up early getting a coach to watch a Division Two clash between Tranmere and Scunthorpe.

“Also I’m saving up for Rio 2016. It’s going to be expensive but seeing those elite athletes, especially the ones in the erotically-charged women’s events, you can’t put a price on that.”

Event organiser Julian Cook said: “I’m surprised to say the least, especially as we spent a considerable amount booking Pink Floyd for the post-match entertainment.”



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United now uninsurable

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

The premiums for the club have gradually risen over the years through a combination of Ferguson-related dressing room injuries, Rooney attacks and the ever-present risk presented by simply being in Manchester.

But with the addition of Van Persie, Ferguson admitted: “Unless we wrap Robin up in a bunch of sleeping bags and keep him away from every defender in the country the club’s going to harder to cover than George Michael’s Ferrari.

“Last season he managed to play 38 games for Arsenal without exploding or falling into bits like the bad guys in the Lego games. What? I’ve watched my grandkids play them.

“Anyway the doctor doing the medical said Robin’s like an Alfa Romeo – he can look really sleek for a while but his boot will suddenly fly off for no reason and the next thing you know you’re looking at a bill that would make Bill Gates cry just to get him mobile again.”

The club have already taken steps to reduce their insurance liability, minimising the risk of crowd-related trouble to zero through filling the stadium with people who aren’t really watching the match and by keeping the trophy cabinet empty for the last year.

They will also cancel policies on non-essential items such as Bébé, Anderson and Clive Tydesley, as well as reducing existing cover on players to a basic fire, theft and Ryan Shawcross package.

Ferguson said: “We’re doing what we can, but I just know at some point this year I’m going to be sat in my office filling out a thirty-page claim form and drawing a diagram of where all the bits of Robin’s leg ended up.”