MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.
The England defender’s performance in United’s 6-1 defeat to Tottenham yesterday has prompted manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to scour the country looking for an improvement, and finding the gnome almost immediately.
Solskjaer said: “The gnome isn’t the biggest, can’t run properly because of the inflammation of his joints, and is obviously monocular. It’s a fantastic upgrade on Harry, who we’ve told to self-isolate for the rest of the season.
“We’ve paid Dobbies a transfer fee of £16.48 and the gnome’s joining up with the rest of the squad after the international break. He’s not played for a while, what with the eye, the leg and the fact he’s a cheap pottery ornament that could only stop a football if it’s kicked directly at him.
“But we’re confident he’ll soon replace Harry in our fans’ hearts.”
United fan Nathan Muir said: “We had to act. I felt lower than I’ve ever felt yesterday, with the gloating Liverpool fans all over social media.
“Oddly they went totally silent after less than an hour, though. I wonder why?”