United to replace Harry Maguire with arthritic garden gnome with glass eye

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

The England defender’s performance in United’s 6-1 defeat to Tottenham yesterday has prompted manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to scour the country looking for an improvement, and finding the gnome almost immediately. 

Solskjaer said: “The gnome isn’t the biggest, can’t run properly because of the inflammation of his joints, and is obviously monocular. It’s a fantastic upgrade on Harry, who we’ve told to self-isolate for the rest of the season.

“We’ve paid Dobbies a transfer fee of £16.48 and the gnome’s joining up with the rest of the squad after the international break. He’s not played for a while, what with the eye, the leg and the fact he’s a cheap pottery ornament that could only stop a football if it’s kicked directly at him. 

“But we’re confident he’ll soon replace Harry in our fans’ hearts.” 

United fan Nathan Muir said: “We had to act. I felt lower than I’ve ever felt yesterday, with the gloating Liverpool fans all over social media. 

“Oddly they went totally silent after less than an hour, though. I wonder why?” 

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Left-wing masturbators accept challenge of Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher

LEFT-WING masturbators have accepted the gauntlet thrown down when Gillian Anderson was cast as Margaret Thatcher, they have confirmed. 

Male and female X-Files fans are building up to what has been dubbed the ‘toughest wank in a generation’ as Anderson portrays the Iron Lady in the new series of The Crown.

Labour party member and committed self-pleasurer Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve flicked the bean to some pretty weird stuff in my time, but I never thought it would come to this.

“Am I really going to give myself the old downstairs high-five to Maggie waving her way in to Downing Street? Handbag and all?

“My fanny’s reaction to the promotional shots released this week suggested that yes, I very much will. And maybe her getting it on with Princess Di.”

Tom Booker, aged 49, agreed: “I made a solemn vow a long time ago that I’d crack one out to Gillian Anderson in any scenario, and it’s time to put that to the test.

“Honestly, I feel it would be easier to stroke the angry man to images of Gillian banging my dad than presiding over the miners’ strike. But anything for Scully.”