Sunday, 18th April 2021

United to replace Harry Maguire with arthritic garden gnome with glass eye

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

The England defender’s performance in United’s 6-1 defeat to Tottenham yesterday has prompted manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to scour the country looking for an improvement, and finding the gnome almost immediately. 

Solskjaer said: “The gnome isn’t the biggest, can’t run properly because of the inflammation of his joints, and is obviously monocular. It’s a fantastic upgrade on Harry, who we’ve told to self-isolate for the rest of the season.

“We’ve paid Dobbies a transfer fee of £16.48 and the gnome’s joining up with the rest of the squad after the international break. He’s not played for a while, what with the eye, the leg and the fact he’s a cheap pottery ornament that could only stop a football if it’s kicked directly at him. 

“But we’re confident he’ll soon replace Harry in our fans’ hearts.” 

United fan Nathan Muir said: “We had to act. I felt lower than I’ve ever felt yesterday, with the gloating Liverpool fans all over social media. 

“Oddly they went totally silent after less than an hour, though. I wonder why?”