How to fire people without them realising, by a boss

AFTER a tough year, being honest with your employees about their dismissal and subsequent destitution is a step too far. These corporate phrases should disguise it: 

Unprecedented trading conditions

We’ve lost a lot of money, so you’ll have to be made redundant in order for my job and salary not to be affected in the slightest. I’m worth it because I have to do difficult things like tell you this unpleasant news and pretend I still have a soul.

Sustainable decision-making

Most of you are getting made redundant, but rest assured it’s only the ones we never really liked or who’ve done anything awkward in the last six months, like not turn on their cameras for Teams calls or take a break to feed their kids.

Rightsizing our headcount

Who could object to rightsizing? What, you’d prefer wrongsizing? Makes job cuts defensible, even though the right size will basically fit into a matchbox and, of course, the lucky ones who keep their jobs will each have to do the work of six people.

Rationalising the cost base

What was it Boris said we were all going to have to retrain as? If I were you, I would start looking into that.

We’re dehydrating this facility

What? Yeah you just heard that. We’re now so repellent and convoluted that you’d rather kneecap yourself than suffer any more of this vile corporate bullshit. Run far away and fling yourself upon the mercy of the bumpy winter the prime minister has promised: anything’s better than this.

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Trump to be even more of a prick if he gets through this okay

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that if he survives Covid-19 without serious problems it will only make him more of a prick. 

The president last night engaged in a short drive-by adulation with supporters outside hospital to underline the fact that he will not allow coronavirus to change him, except for the worse.

A White House insider said: “If he gets through this unscathed then he will scale such new heights of triumphant assholery that he’ll make the old Trump look humble.

“Because he survived it, with the best medical care in the world, then when anyone doesn’t survive it it’ll be their own fault for not being as great as him so they deserve it.

“Anyone who’s been cautious enough not to get it, like Joe Biden, will be a coward and a pussy, who’s afraid of a tiny little virus and hasn’t got beautiful, incredible antibodies like real Americans do.

“He won’t be like Boris Johnson, suddenly hit by his own mortality. He’ll be convinced of his own immortality. He’ll start a nuclear war believing irradiation can only make him stronger.

“Just, you know, when you’re doing all your hopes and prayers? Keep that in mind.”