Saturday, 24th October 2020

How to pretend you haven't seen someone

The last thing anyone wants is a spontaneous chat with someone they know. Here’s how to avoid unnecessary interactions with acquaintances: 

Stare at your phone as if something important is happening on it

As you do most of the day anyway, focus all your attention on your phone when you sense an invitation to socialise. If you adopt a grave expression they will assume you are responding to a life-changing message rather than scrolling through Pinterest looking at kitchens.

Pretend to see someone else

When you notice the person you wish to avoid, try acting as if there is someone else out of their sightline who has already grabbed your attention. How could you be the type of miserable bastard who ignores someone when you’re so sociably acknowledging someone else?

Sneeze

Random bodily functions are a great catch-all for avoiding interaction because they repulse anyone who is considering approaching. This is especially effective now we are able to potentially kill each other simply by expelling droplets of moisture from our faces.

Start an argument with whoever is with you

If you’re out with someone – preferably a family member or romantic partner – then a swiftly escalating argument will keep outsiders at bay and fool them into thinking you haven’t seen them. This will also be hugely confusing for whoever you’re rowing with, but you can deal with that later.

Blank them

Although the harshest of all the options, locking eyes with someone and giving them an empty, dead-eyed dismissal is the most efficient way of letting them know never to bother trying to talk to you again. With any luck, they will tell any mutual friends how rude and unapproachable you are too.