We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers

CRICKETERS across England have urged match-fixers to contact them the next time they need somebody to be shit at bowling.

Thousands of county players, semi-professionals and pub team disasters say that for the price of a round at their local they can make it look it very convincing.

Martin Bishop, captain of the Marquis of Granby, currently third from bottom of the Hertfordshire Pub League, said: “If you want someone to make a series of basic errors then probably best not to ask a world class professional who’s been selected on the basis that he knows what he’s doing.

“If I was a match-fixer I would be bribing a couple of thousand lads a week and then making bets in the pub car park. No-one would have the faintest idea.”

He added: “In Hertfordshire, if someone bowls 23 no balls in a row, it’s known as a ‘Martin Bishop’.”

The outcry came after some fearless News of the World reporters showed that some people might be prepared to do something during a sports match that means nothing, affecting a result that changes nothing in return for more money than their family has earned in 16 generations.

Dr Bill McKay, from Reading University, said: “It’s like offering Emile Heskey nine million quid to carry on being Emile Heskey.

“I’m struggling to understand what point the article is trying to make, other than the obvious News of the World suspicion that all foreigners are corrupt because they’re foreign.”

He added: “I assume for their next exposé they’re going to offer some CBBC presenters seventy-five grand to say ‘fuckmoney’ on live TV, or pay John Torode to wipe his spunk across Gregg Wallace’s tasting fork. I just hope they have the decency to use the headline ‘NONE OF THIS MATTERS’.”

Meanwhile millions of people across Britain last night learned that defrauding a bookmaker is illegal and then immediately demanded to know why.

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Public Execution Of Charity Muggers To Raise All The Money That Will Ever Be Needed

A SPONSORED mass execution of the UK’s charity muggers is set to raise more money for good causes than they will ever be able to spend, it emerged last night.

It is believed that a 27-figure sum has so far been donated by members of the public eager to see the relentlessly buoyant street collectors impaled on didgeridoos, garrotted with poi and then burned on a giant flaming pyre of Lonely Planet guides.

The mass killing was the brainchild of Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford: “I wanted to raise some money for the Pakistanis with a tombola at the Lyon’s Club fete.

“But then last week, when I was late for a train, a young Australian called ‘Zee’ bounded into my path, waving a clipboard and asking if I wanted a free hug.

“All I could think about was how gratifying it would be to see him die a protracted, painful death before a huge baying crowd.”

Donors can sponsor the demise of an individual charity mugger and the larger the sum, the more sadistic the means of dispatch.

Roy Hobbs, from Swindon, said: “I’ve given £5,000 to put paid to a young man called ‘Rat’, whose interests are listed as stilt walking, parkour and ‘chillin’ with some funky beats and a phat doobie’.

“He used to stop me on my way to work with the greeting ‘alright geez, how’s tricks?’.

“Which is exactly the same question I shall be asking him as he’s lowered kicking and screaming into a tank full of hungry carnivores. Is there something that’s like a cross between a rat and a crab?”

But psychologist Emma Bradford said: “Medieval-style sadism can never be deemed acceptable within a modern, civilised, supposedly humane society.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you meant normal muggers, I didn’t hear the ‘charity’ bit.

“Crack on.”