A FIVE-A-SIDE football match has been marred by the presence of a man who is able to control the ball and shoot.
Suspicions arose almost immediately when the player laced up his fancy boots and embarked on an elaborate warm-up.
Hapless regular Martin Bishop said: “I’ve no idea who this guy was or who invited him, but he won’t be coming back.
“He may have scored 12 goals, including a Maradona-esque run past every player on the field, but he didn’t impress anyone with his use of both feet.”
Bishop added: “We’re just a group of good lads who enjoy thrashing a ball around, making vain, clumsy attempts to pass it and yelling meaningless, cliched instructions.
“I felt pretty embarrassed for him when he nutmegged me for the sixth time.”
After the game the regular players wheezed, coughed and arranged to have a pint at a nearby pub, while the mystery goal scorer wandered off while sipping a bottle of Lucozade Sport.