Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase ‘3rd place’.

Speaking after a performance against Tottenham that football biologists have reclassified as a form of jellyfish, the Arsenal buffoon-wrangler compared sport’s obsession with number one with the fashion for size-zero models.

Wenger said: “Mr Ferguson may enjoy the soulless, sexless lines of the number one but for me the callypygian contours of a ‘3’ are much more intriguing. So to have two of them in a scoreline is very pleasing for me.

“And if we can persevere with the likes of Eboue and Clichy, we even come to know the forbidden delights of a round, juicy 8th place.”

Arsenal’s inability to hold on to a lead has been criticised this season but Wenger insisted that the order of the scoreline in last night’s match was a tribute to the time signatures used in John Cale’s 1973 song cycle Underachievement In C Minor.

He has also claimed that his selection of goalkeepers reflected his love of the work of Jacques Tati and that Nicklas Bendtner has borrowed heavily from the Absurdist writings of his fellow countryman Kierkegaard when claiming to be one of the best strikers in the world.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Arsene has always traded on his professorial, intellectual image and as a result, he’s managing his team in an incomprehensibly awful way that has your Nick Hornby-style Arsenal fan saying it’s brilliant for fear of sounding like a working class fucknut.”

But club chairman Peter Hill-Wood said: “I suspect Arsene is now about three weeks away from pondering the stark, brutalist contrast between the Rubenesque roundness of the letter ‘P’ and the Picasso-like angularity of the numbers ‘4’ and ‘5’.”



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Nine hundred Christians make slight change to their delusion

ALMOST one thousand Anglicans are to mark Easter by making a slight adaptation to their voodoo.

As part of some ridiculous protest 900 members of the Church of England are shifting their delusion into the Roman Catholic column.

The move was celebrated by the Pope who wore his special Pointy Welcome Hat and banged his ceremonial tambourine.

A Vatican spokesman said: “These brave souls can look forward to nicer seats in heaven rather than some rubbish at the back with a pillar in the way.

“They will be so close to the stage they will be able to reach out and touch Jesus’s sequined trouser leg during What’s New Pussycat.”

Julian Cook, a former Anglican who would rather not have vaginas on his priests thank you very much, said: “As well as being preached to exclusively by frustrated, sexually dangerous men, I can also look forward to a much beefier communion experience.

“The Church of England says the wine and bread only symbolises the blood and body of Christ, whereas my new church has assured me that I am actually eating juicy bits of Jesus.

“It sounds absolutely delicious.”

Helen Archer, a former Church of England member who thinks she is unqualified to tell fairy stories, added: “I’ve always found Anglican guilt to be rather lacking in ‘oomph’.

“From today I can watch a Dolph Lundgren film with my pants off and then go upstairs and burn myself with a curling iron.

“Hurt me, Jesus. Hurt me like a bitch.”