ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase ‘3rd place’.
Speaking after a performance against Tottenham that football biologists have reclassified as a form of jellyfish, the Arsenal buffoon-wrangler compared sport’s obsession with number one with the fashion for size-zero models.
Wenger said: “Mr Ferguson may enjoy the soulless, sexless lines of the number one but for me the callypygian contours of a ‘3’ are much more intriguing. So to have two of them in a scoreline is very pleasing for me.
“And if we can persevere with the likes of Eboue and Clichy, we even come to know the forbidden delights of a round, juicy 8th place.”
Arsenal’s inability to hold on to a lead has been criticised this season but Wenger insisted that the order of the scoreline in last night’s match was a tribute to the time signatures used in John Cale’s 1973 song cycle Underachievement In C Minor.
He has also claimed that his selection of goalkeepers reflected his love of the work of Jacques Tati and that Nicklas Bendtner has borrowed heavily from the Absurdist writings of his fellow countryman Kierkegaard when claiming to be one of the best strikers in the world.
Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Arsene has always traded on his professorial, intellectual image and as a result, he’s managing his team in an incomprehensibly awful way that has your Nick Hornby-style Arsenal fan saying it’s brilliant for fear of sounding like a working class fucknut.”
But club chairman Peter Hill-Wood said: “I suspect Arsene is now about three weeks away from pondering the stark, brutalist contrast between the Rubenesque roundness of the letter ‘P’ and the Picasso-like angularity of the numbers ‘4’ and ‘5’.”