West Ham boo boys 'unable to make cheering sound'

WEST Ham’s ‘boo boys’ are working with vocal coaches on making a cheering sound, it has emerged.

Following a recent upturn in form, the team’s sizeable booing contingent has been struggling to master a suitable noise to use in the event of witnessing good play.

Speech therapist Mary Fisher said: “Boo boys are part simian, hence the limited tonal range. Even their joyful sounds are quite intimidating and jeer-like.

“While losing 5-0 to a Championship team in the FA Cup was their bread and butter, acknowledging a hard-fought win over mid-table opposition requires a much greater dexterity of the epiglottis.”

Boo boy Tom Booker said: “We may be boo boys but we’re still human, we’d love nothing more than to raise our voices in joyous song during gutsy wins over Hull and Sunderland, who wouldn’t?

“When you become a West Ham fan this isn’t what you sign up for – recently I’ve been going to a lot more student theatre and I’ve even considered supporting Man United.”

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South East finally being wiped clean by the wrath of God

LIKE the ancient Egyptian city of Tanis, the south east of England is, at last, being wiped clean by the wrath of God.

Saharan sand is sweeping across Britain’s greediest and most materialistic region, erasing its temples of avarice and sending a stark warning to all those who would worship at the altar of Mammon.

Dr Marcus Brody, an expert in Biblical weather, said: “Like the sandstorm that consumed Tanis, it will probably last a whole year and will destroy much of London as well as Colchester, Basildon and, of course, Peterborough, the final resting place of the Ark of the Covenant.

“By caring for nothing but money and objects, the south east – and its pharaoh, Boris Johnson – have tested the patience of the Great Jaweh, or ‘Jehovah’.

“Now He is cleansing them with an abrasive substance that will reach into every corner of their souls leaving them as hollow, crumbling shells, staring forever at their greed and folly.

“So you should probably stay indoors today.”