Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have one of those “This dog lives here” signs in your front window. Not because it’s vicious, more as a warning that your house stinks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Flying over a desert island this week, you see that somebody has spelled out the name of their favourit Beatles album in pebbles on the beach.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you need telling not to vote on a repeat of a reality TV show, maybe its a good idea you don’t vote generally.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Visiting our nan, she’s always full of stories of the good old days, like when half of Herman’s Hermits pulled a train on her.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A bad day at the park on Saturday as your try recreating the Diet Coke ad, but the can explodes in the lawnmower blades giving the hunky gardener aluminium shrapnel in his face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) 
At your snooker match on Friday you manage to sink seven reds and six pinks before asking the barman whether he has any white wine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not make the mock-up living rooms in IKEA look more realistic by sitting in one with your boyfriend idly browsing for clothes on eBay for six hours, not saying a word to each other?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
With the onset of warmer weather, try not to wear socks and sandals. But if you insist, try wearing the sandals over the socks.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re beginning to regret installing that suggestion box as this is the third time this month you’ve had to call the fire brigade to help somebody remove their dick from it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Well I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, because it would probably be more efficient than using Southern Rail.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When opportunity comes calling on Monday, grab it with both hands. But if the TV license people come calling, hide behind the sofa until they’re gone.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Thursday, 615pm. I can’t say what, exactly, but that’s when it’ll happen.

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Weather breakthrough prompts idiot to bang on about chaos theory

LONG-RANGE weather forecasting is impossible because of the chaos theory, according to office worker Tom Logan. 

Reports of a breakthrough in predicting weather have been met with cynicism by 39-year-old Logan, who knows all about science because he watched a Channel 4 programme in the 90s about butterflies flapping their wings.

He said: “Haven’t these people even heard of the chaos theory? It’s all about fractal patterns like you used to get at raves.

“There was a book about in too, probably called ‘The Chaos Theory’ or maybe ‘Theory of Chaos’.

“Anyway it explains why you can’t predict the weather. It is folly to try.”

Logan’s line manager Emma Bradford said: “I predict with 100% accuracy that he will get sacked unless he shuts up and does some work.”