Woman impregnated by overhead kick

WAYNE Rooney’s right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.

The poorly-constructed Manchester United striker has been hailed as a saint by thousands of people from Surrey after directing a ball in an unusual fashion as part of his job.

Meanwhile a previously-barren post-menopausal woman became instantly pregnant and then gave birth to triplets within moments of the ball hitting the net.

Local sources said all the infants have faces like an elbow sucking a lemon-flavoured dick.

Denys Finch Hatton, professer of divinity at Reading Univeristy, said: “It may be that Rooney accidentally stepped in a puddle of holy water which has imbued his right leg with the righteous power of the almighty or it could be that he’s recently bought the flipflop of an apostle at a jumble sale.

“Or it could be that it was just 13 stone of remedial chimp flinging himself at a pig’s bladder.”

But Monsignor Wayne Hayes, head of Holy Sporting Incidents at the Vatican, believes that Rooney’s screaming 78th minute volley could see his appendage become the first sportsman’s body part to be beatified since ‘Gentleman’ Jim Corbett’s left fist punched its way to sainthood in 1892.

He added: “So, the next time Wayne cuts his toenails, we need him to send the clippings to us so we can analyse them for traces of Jesus DNA.”

If the Vatican approves the sainthood of Rooney’s right foot, tackling the striker or any of his friends will become a recognised form of blasphemy with the offending player facing excommunication and death, in accordance with the Epistles of Ferguson.



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Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

President Omar Suleiman, whose real first name turns out to  be ‘General’, said the coup was very thoughtful of the Egyptian people, particularly as it came with lots of lovely press coverage.

He added: “Usually in these situations the army has to storm the presidential palace and the TV station and set up a cordon around the airport. It’s a lot of fucking hassle.

“There’s some very nasty shouting and a load soldiers getting all scared.

“And as all that’s going on you’ve got these arsehole foreign governments phoning you up giving you an earful while John Simpson stands outside your new house in a flak jacket telling everyone you’re a prick.

“It’s the sort of thing a soldier who wants total power could really do without. But the thing is you knew that, and that’s why you’re the best population a general could hope for.”

Suleiman said he would be able to use his coup for all kinds of things including dissolving parliament and suspending the constitution as well as making lovely light sponge cakes and perfect meringues.

The general added: “Like all military coups this is a temporary one. Though to be on the safe side it would be useful if you familiarise yourselves with the term ‘ish’.

“As in ‘we will move towards democracy-ish but will have to maintain a state of emergency-ish, but it will only be for six months.