KEIR Starmer has announced that all English lunch breaks will be extended by five whole minutes for one day only if England wins the World Cup.
In the event that the Three Lions bring the Jules Rimet trophy home, the prime minister has promised a generous 300 seconds for all workers to wildly celebrate while remaining in their places of work and not damaging productivity.
He said: “This offer does not apply to residents of Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland. We reserve the right to cancel any celebration deemed offensively nationalistic.
“I am aware of my reputation as a ‘fun sponge’, as Burnham puts it, but even I know the end of 60 years of hurt is cause for celebration within reasonable limits.
“You’ll likely want to ask your colleagues if they saw the game, maybe even exchange a few words about how much you enjoyed the winning goal. Thanks to my lunch break extension you’ll be able to do that and have time spare to eat a biscuit.
“Do not get carried away. Once time’s up, it’s back to work saving our flailing post-Brexit economy. But you’ll always be able to look back on that slightly longer lunch and proudly tell your grandkids ‘I was there.’”
England fan Tom Booker said: “My boss is bound to make me stay late to make up the time. I hope we’re hammered 12-0 in the final.”
