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We ask you: What sport are you going to follow now football's shit?

WHETHER you’re English, Scottish, or God help you French, football has been scientifically proven to be a shit sport for shitheads. What are you into instead? 

Nathan Muir, bathroom fitter: “What do England consistently win at? Rugby? Cricket? Formula One? Tennis? None of them? F**k it, I’m getting bang into the arts.”

Eleanor Shaw, DVD restorer: “Actually, I’m now completely addicted to the feeling of agonising, eviscerated defeat, that horrible sinking sensation of all your hopes lying dismembered on the floor. So I think dog-fighting.”

Denys Finch Hatton, website moderator: “It’s got to be kabaddi. There’s no media coverage, no teams anywhere near me, and I don’t know the rules so I wouldn’t know if we’d lost. Bliss.”

Sophie Rodriguez, graduate student: “You’ve heard of Ultimate Fighting Championship? I’m into Penultimate Fighting Championship. It’s just the part where their mates try to separate them saying ‘it’s not worth it’.”

Norman Steele, actuarial calculator: “You know there’s Rugby Union and Rugby League? I’ve invented a third one: Rugby Unami.”

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In just two years, Keir Starmer has destroyed Britain

By Julian Cook on the behalf of the British people, for the Daily Telegraph

REMEMBER June 2024? When Britain was a paradise? When taxes were low, public services thriving, the armed forces roaring with power?

Back then, there was no deficit. Britain wasn’t in a penny of debt. NHS waiting lists were so low patients were getting hip replacements they neither needed nor requested. The ratio of police to public was roughly three to one, the same as teachers to pupils.

Our prisons were so empty their inmates’ chief problem was loneliness and the boats had been stopped, apart from fishermen bringing home record post-Brexit catches.

Then what happened? A catastrophic administrative error by the electorate ended in an accidental Labour landslide. And Starmergeddon.

Since 2024? Immigrants. Riots. Problems with Thames Water. A cost-of-living crisis such as the world has never seen. Jeremy Clarkson battling cancer.

A country hopelessly, desperately in hock to foreign powers. Prisons overflowing. Policemen as rarely seen as the Scottish capercaillie. School forced to close their doors, leaving children on the streets for the next six weeks.

Seven in ten farmers committing suicide. The NHS constructing nine-mile long corridors simply to treat patients in. Net Zero causing unprecedented heatwaves. The chance to join a exciting and popular war in Iran inexplicably missed.

Make no mistake, this is all Starmer’s doing. As he steps down, his legacy of hating landlords, business, pubs and Brexit is secure. He leaves behind him a country broken.

Forget Burnham. There is only one escape. At the next general election, which is surely soon in the name of common decency, we must all vote Conservative. Or Reform. Or Restore. Or any combination of the three. Whoever’s furthest right.

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