Well done, now score when it matters, Kane told

HARRY Kane has been congratulated on becoming England’s top goal scorer but advised to do it during a World Cup quarter-final penalty.

The 29-year-old Tottenham striker, who put away his 54th goal against Italy last night, has beaten Wayne Rooney’s record to become the nation’s top-scoring player who has won absolutely nothing for the country.

Armchair pundit Tom Booker said: “Yes, well done. But let’s have a look at the trophy cabinet shall we? Looks a bit empty, doesn’t it? Well, at least the men’s one does.

“Scoring a record-breaking goal is all well and good, but why piss it away on a measly Euro qualifier match? Wouldn’t you have rather put it away a few months ago and taken us to the World Cup final? Then last night’s goal would’ve been your 55th. Just a thought.

“If, for some reason, you had to break the record last night, couldn’t you have rearranged some of the goals earlier in your career? There must have been at least one you could have held back and used against France last year. You’re the expert though, I suppose.”

Kane said: “God, it never occurred to me it would have been good if I hadn’t missed that penalty in Qatar. Thanks for pointing that out, I’ve noted it down.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Well, that was a waste of f**king time': Nicola Sturgeon and a bottle of single malt reflect

NINE years in power. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely f**king f**k all.

Is Scotland independent? It is f**king not. Are the bastard English Tories still ruling over us from London? Yes, they absolutely are. What was the point of that then? F**ked if I know.

Nine years. Nine years of banging the drum for a referendum we’d already lost. Nine years of twat prime ministers from Eton arsing up the country I love to get votes from racists in Kent.

How did I spend my last day, half-empty bottle of Macallan 12-year-old on my desk? So glad you f**king asked. I spent it in Holyrood with that weapon Douglas Ross attacking me. Is there anything more pathetic than a Scottish Tory? The daft hen who fights them, perhaps?

I couldn’t even beat JK bloody Rowling in a fight where I had the full weight of government behind me and she had a Twitter account. And the scandals are queuing up. My husband’s resigned, the members are quitting, we can’t get so much as a ferry built.

Face the facts. Scotland’s small and largely empty, and our key national characteristics are losing wars and getting off our f**king faces.

If I’m as legendary as William Wallace, Guardian of Scotland for half a year before he got his arse kicked, it’s no more than I deserve. It’s shite being Scottish. Trainspotting was right.