Wembley arch f**ked either way

THE Wembley arch would be facing a monumental backlash no matter what colour the lights are, it has emerged.

The Football Association’s decision not to illuminate the arch with the colours of the Israeli flag has provoked media outrage because football stadia are known primarily as places to remember the victims of horrific conflicts. 

An FA spokesperson said: “It’s not entirely clear what effect a stadium thousands of miles away has on the Israel-Hamas bloodletting. I’d hazard a guess of ‘probably not much’.

“We can’t win. The press lose their shit when players take the knee and say we should keep politics out of football. But now we’ve got to put it back in, apparently.

“If we’d lit the arch white and blue then people would have been asking about the Palestinian flag. Then we’d have to do it red, green, black and white on alternating nights for impartiality. Am I the only one who finds that a bit weird and tasteless?

“Now the government is having a go at us despite not issuing any official guidance. So we’re keeping the arch turned off. Taylor Swift can have it on for her concerts but she’ll only be allowed an uncontroversial colour: cyan.

Football fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’m shocked and appalled. This is the first time in its long history the FA has put a foot wrong. They’re normally so opposed to violence and oppression, except if it’s Qatar doing it to gays.”

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Man follows dick instinct rather than gut instinct

A MAN decided to follow the instinct of his dick rather than his gut when making an important decision. 

On business trip to Newcastle, Martin Bishop and colleagues found themselves lost late at night in an area with poor phone reception, making it impossible to consult Google Maps for the route back to their hotel. 

However after experiencing a hard-to-describe feeling in his trousers, sales executive Bishop was sure their hotel was down a street immediately on their right.

Bishop said: “I told everyone not to worry, my dick instinct was telling me which way to go. They said, ‘Don’t you mean your gut instinct?’ I explained I preferred to trust my dick, which is right at least 15 per cent of the time. 

“My dick was telling me that if we went right, we might meet some women. And women have beds they’d let us sleep in. It also told me the women were attractive. My colleagues were sceptical, but that’s only because modern urban man has lost the spiritual connection with his dick our ancestors had. Progress is a double-edged sword.

“I urged them onward along dark, confusing sidestreets. Andy was complaining we needed to be at the conference by 8.30am the next day, but I told him he needed to have faith in my dick. 

“Anyway, after half an hour the hotel was nowhere in sight. It was really dark and Lee fell into a canal and almost died. 

“But that was a one-off. You can’t expect your dick to be right every time.”