CONVINCED yourself you need to pop out for some half-baked reason? Here’s how to make it a living hell for others.
Own narrow pavements
Strut along as if narrow pavements are your personal property. If you’re enough of a twat about it, some poor bastard will be forced to zig zag across the road half a dozen times just to travel a few metres.
Strike up a conversation
People are crying out for real life human interaction while also being simultaneously terrified of it. Add some extra stress to someone’s day by starting a pleasant conversation whilst constantly looking like you’re about to step over the two metre mark.
Play football in the park
Kickabouts in the park make people edgy even at the best of times, as it’s hard to enjoy a peaceful stroll when a ball could get punted into your face at any second. During the pandemic a game of footie feels even more needlessly dangerous, as it comes with an attached risk of death if you get too close.
Consider social distancing optional
Social distancing is really important for other people, but for you it works on a case-by-case basis. This means if someone’s dawdling you can squeeze past with a cheerful “Excuse me” and a skip in your step as if there is no fear of passing on a life-threatening disease.
It’s a law of nature that the faster you move, the more priority you have outdoors. And with barely anyone using cars or bikes, joggers have found themselves top of the food chain. Assert your dominance by running too close to people while breathing heavily and wearing unflattering lycra.