'New normal' code for 'deeply f*cked-up but you have to get on with it'

EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as ‘the new normal’.

The phrase will be repeatedly spoken like a hypnotising chant by politicians during daily briefings to reassure Britons that sterilising groceries and avoiding other human beings is actually totally ordinary.

A government advisor said: “The British public will do anything so long as you beat them over the head with a snappy turn of phrase enough times. For example, Brexit.

“We’re also confident people will become used to our systematic failings as they realise they’re not so bizarre after all, they’re just the new normal.”

Key worker Mary Fisher said: “I used to be concerned the lockdown would drag on without an exit plan and damage the economy beyond repair. But hearing that reality described as the new normal really put my fears to rest.”


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Man who wants lockdown to end didn't stay at home in the first place

A MAN making a fuss about wanting the lockdown to end has spent the last six weeks having barbecues with his friends and popping to the shops twice a day.

Nathan Muir claims that the lockdown is infringing his civil liberties and harming his mental health, despite the fact that he has ignored it since it was introduced.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Nathan has been kicking up a stink on social media about being ‘a prisoner in his own home at the mercy of the government’, but yesterday he turned up on my doorstep asking if I fancied a game of football with his mates.

“He has also admitted to driving 200 miles to get his sister to cut his hair and nipping to Tesco whenever he fancies a bag of crisps, which doesn’t quite tally with his complaints about being oppressed by the state.

“He says he wants the lockdown to end because it goes against his political convictions as a non-interventionist libertarian freedom lover.

“He’s just a selfish dickbag.”