EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as ‘the new normal’.
The phrase will be repeatedly spoken like a hypnotising chant by politicians during daily briefings to reassure Britons that sterilising groceries and avoiding other human beings is actually totally ordinary.
A government advisor said: “The British public will do anything so long as you beat them over the head with a snappy turn of phrase enough times. For example, Brexit.
“We’re also confident people will become used to our systematic failings as they realise they’re not so bizarre after all, they’re just the new normal.”
Key worker Mary Fisher said: “I used to be concerned the lockdown would drag on without an exit plan and damage the economy beyond repair. But hearing that reality described as the new normal really put my fears to rest.”