How to endure a Zoom call with a terrible f**king connection

THE only thing worse than a meeting is a Zoom meeting with a f**cking bad connection. Here’s how to endure your next one.

Pretend you got cut off
Ever been so bored in a meeting you just wanted to walk out while someone was talking? Thanks to the miracle of bad technology, now you can. Make sure the camera and mic are definitely turned off before calling your colleagues ‘braindead f**kwits’ though.

Screengrab frozen gurns
There’s a point in every Zoom meeting where the screen briefly freezes on people pulling hideous gurns. By taking a quick screengrab you can capture forever those unflattering moments of people you despise.

Switch to voice only
Nobody actually wants to see other people during a Zoom call, they just want to judge everybody’s home decor. By switching to voice only you can deny them this sick pleasure, plus you can get up and make a tea without exposing your bare arse.

Scroll through social media in another tab
As long as you nod attentively at regular intervals, you’re free to browse social media in another tab during a Zoom call. If you didn’t hear a question because you were too busy stalking your ex, just pretend the connection dropped out and ask them to repeat it.

Admire your own face
We’re all staring at ourselves during Zoom calls, so why not take this time to while away the meeting by admiring your own face? Or, more realistically, scrutinise every imperfection of your disgusting mug and try to figure out if you’d look better with a shaved head or neck tattoo.

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Homeschooling mum apologises for not learning new language and how to play the glockenspiel

A SINGLE mother in lockdown with three children has said she is sorry that she won’t be coming out of this experience with a new skill.

Emma Bradford instead divides her time between trying to school her three primary-age boys and fighting off the creeping sense of dread over how she is going to pay next month’s utility bills.

Bradford said: “I keep reading these articles on social media telling me off for not enhancing my career prospects because I’m frittering my time away being kicked in the shins by my boys under the kitchen table whilst trying to teach them about quadratic equations.

“Maybe the articles are right. It’s been over a month, so by now I should have a conversational level of Mandarin and reached grade 2 on the oboe.

“I guess I must just be lazy. After I’ve spent two hours putting the boys to bed I know I should be taking an online course in trigonometry or something, but I find myself necking glasses of wine whilst freaking out about being evicted instead.

“Sorry everyone. I guess I’ve failed lockdown.”