Friday, 7th May 2021

How to endure a Zoom call with a terrible f**king connection

THE only thing worse than a meeting is a Zoom meeting with a f**cking bad connection. Here’s how to endure your next one.

Pretend you got cut off
Ever been so bored in a meeting you just wanted to walk out while someone was talking? Thanks to the miracle of bad technology, now you can. Make sure the camera and mic are definitely turned off before calling your colleagues ‘braindead f**kwits’ though.

Screengrab frozen gurns
There’s a point in every Zoom meeting where the screen briefly freezes on people pulling hideous gurns. By taking a quick screengrab you can capture forever those unflattering moments of people you despise.

Switch to voice only
Nobody actually wants to see other people during a Zoom call, they just want to judge everybody’s home decor. By switching to voice only you can deny them this sick pleasure, plus you can get up and make a tea without exposing your bare arse.

Scroll through social media in another tab
As long as you nod attentively at regular intervals, you’re free to browse social media in another tab during a Zoom call. If you didn’t hear a question because you were too busy stalking your ex, just pretend the connection dropped out and ask them to repeat it.

Admire your own face
We’re all staring at ourselves during Zoom calls, so why not take this time to while away the meeting by admiring your own face? Or, more realistically, scrutinise every imperfection of your disgusting mug and try to figure out if you’d look better with a shaved head or neck tattoo.