Army To Stop Firing Goats Into Walls

THE British Army is to phase out the practice of firing goats into walls, the Ministry of Defence announced last night. 

In the last decade more than 3,000 goats have been shot into hard surfaces by soldiers curious to see what kind of patterns they would form.

Brigadier General Denys Finch-Hatton said the long standing army tradition was developed to give soldiers an outlet for their more creative side.

He said: “We tried finger painting but it did not seem to have the same effect, and it was quite difficult to get a steady supply of fingers.

“The goats create a rich textured effect, a shimmering mosaic of teeth, hair and blood. If I had to describe it I’d say it was like Jackson Pollock crossed with a polar bear.”

British soldiers first started firing animals from guns in the mid 18th Century when muskets were used to propel baby mice into doors.

Animal firing remained limited to single shot rifles until the invention of the multi-barrelled Gattling Gun which was capable of shooting out 400 kittens a minute.

The army then turned its attention to large mammals with its most notable success being the construction of a howitzer during the First World War which was capable of blasting a cow over the channel.

“Thousands of people used to turn up every Sunday to watch them fire a Friesian over to Dieppe,” the General said.

During the Second World War large animal firings continued to be used for entertainment and morale boosting purposes by the Allied forces.

However, the Nazis developed a series of long-range terror weapons which they used against civilians, including a V2 rocket with a specially sharpened antelope strapped to the top.

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BBC To Replace Grange Hill With Confusing Japanese Cartoon

IT was essential viewing for 16 generations of British children and launched the careers of Letitia Dean, Todd Carty and the girl who played Trisha Yates.

Grange Hill taught millions of teenagers how to take drugs and was home to television's most twisted psychopaths, including Gripper Stebson, Mr Ronson and that nice woodwork teacher with the dark hair who went on to become the most evil person ever to live in Coronation Street.

But now the alma mater of Tucker Jenkins, Benny Green, Sue Tully and the other ones is to be closed down to make way for a cartoon about a team of super-strong baby farm animals who are also in a marching band. 

Shenzo Super Bang-Bang Squad follows the adventures of a gang of wide-eyed pigs, cats and chickens who collect points by fighting the robot weasels from Shenzo City using their special laser key fobs.

They can then turn the points into magic coins which they use to buy instruments and uniforms. Each episode ends with a song about a fictional endangered species.

Media analysts say the move is line with the BBC's ongoing policy of decommissioning popular, long-running shows of consistent quality and replacing them with piles of shit.

A BBC spokeswoman said: "Shenzo is already huge in Vietnam, Azerbaijan and Tunisia. Children are fascinated by the sounds and the bright colours, especially the 14-16 year-olds."

She added: "There will be a range of branded toys, games, laser key fobs, a weekly magazine, bath products, cooking utensils, and a selection of hardwood conservatories.

"And come the summer time there will also be ice lollies shaped like your favourite Shenzo characters, which I'm sure you'll agree is a bit more appetising than big fat Roland on a stick."