Ebay Hands Blank Cheque To Annoying Pricks

MILLIONS of annoying pricks were celebrating last night after eBay gave them the go-ahead fill the online auction site with petty, ill-founded complaints.

The company said the move was necessary as online disputes were slowing down the sale of stained mattresses, second hand pants and Betamax video recorders.

An eBay spokesman said: "We tossed a coin and it came up pricks."

The new policy will apply to the British and American sites, while in France the sellers have been handed exclusive rights to abuse their customers.

Wayne Hayes, a prick since 1994, said: "Last month I bought a trio of matching cake tins, but they arrived a day late.

"On the feedback form I expressed my disappointment, pointing out that I had some friends visiting and they were very keen to see my new cake tins and if they were going to arrive a day late then why didn't he just say so rather than raising everyone's hopes in such a callous fashion.

"He apologised for the delay but then tried to blame it on the post office of all people, thank you very much. I responded by saying he had threatened to break my legs with a hammer and that the tins were full of rancid meat.

"Unfortunately, he then felt it necessary to call me a 'lying bastard' and a 'right little shit'. And here was me thinking this was a free country."

Hayes added: "I'm glad eBay has acted. There's a seller in Norwich whose page is not quite cheerful enough. I suspect he's been having sex with his cat."

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Designer Unveils Hypersonic Invisibility Boots

A BRITISH designer has unveiled plans for a pair of hypersonic  boots which will enable the wearer to walk from Europe to Australia in less than 10 seconds while remaining totally invisible.

The boots will be able to walk at speeds of up to 240,000 miles a minute and will be twice as invisible as the current generation of stealth boots being developed by Lockheed Martin.

Designer Stephen Malley, 11, said the boots are still at the concept stage but could be operating by 2050, depending on homework and girls.

The boots will run on rechargeable AA batteries and employ the same masking technology used by Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.

He said they look like a cross between those worn by Frankenstein and the fur lined ones with a zip up the front worn by his gran.

Malley said: "I've also designed a really giant plane that can fly around the world in 80 seconds carrying 30,000 passengers.

"It's got a chocolate factory on board and a football pitch and it's got machine guns on the wings just like a Spitfire and it's also a train."

He added: "And look at this drawing of a dog. My teacher says it's really good and that I should put it in for a prize."