Britain’s Oldest Cat ‘Hates Asians’

BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.

Is it right that they support the Siam cricket team?

Pussywillow, 26, spends most of her time urinating on old copies of the Guardian and is scared to go out at night in case she is mugged by Abyssinians 'high on skink'.

According to owner Lin Brown, Pussywillow has become increasingly intolerant of ethnic breeds and those pursuing alternative lifestyles since she entered her second decade.

She said: "She is extremely uncomfortable in the presence of gay cats, even though she doesn't have a clue what they get up to.

"She does not like to see tomcats licking their own balls and if she saw them licking each others she would call the police.

"I've also noticed that when I'm reading the Daily Express, she will jump into my lap and purr contentedly."

Ms Brown said that when Pussywillow was young, a cat could go out, leave its flap unlocked and not have to worry about its meaty chunks and its thing with the bell attached.

"Nowadays, the whole lot would be stolen by a gang of Burmese and then sold to buy drugs, mackerel and easy mice," she said.

She added: "We talk about the old times a lot. I think she's just glad Mr Willow did not live to see it all go wrong. He fucking hated blacks."