Britain's Oldest Cat 'Hates Asians'

BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.

Pussywillow, 26, spends most of her time urinating on old copies of the Guardian and is scared to go out at night in case she is mugged by Abyssinians 'high on skink'.

According to owner Lin Brown, Pussywillow has become increasingly intolerant of ethnic breeds and those pursuing alternative lifestyles since she entered her second decade.

She said: "She is extremely uncomfortable in the presence of gay cats, even though she doesn't have a clue what they get up to.

"She does not like to see tomcats licking their own balls and if she saw them licking each others she would call the police.

"I've also noticed that when I'm reading the Daily Express, she will jump into my lap and purr contentedly."

Ms Brown said that when Pussywillow was young, a cat could go out, leave its flap unlocked and not have to worry about its meaty chunks and its thing with the bell attached.

"Nowadays, the whole lot would be stolen by a gang of Burmese and then sold to buy drugs, mackerel and easy mice," she said.

She added: "We talk about the old times a lot. I think she's just glad Mr Willow did not live to see it all go wrong. He fucking hated blacks."

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Teddy Row Teacher Calls Dirt-Box 'Jesus'

TEDDY row teacher Gillian Gibbons is a serial blasphemer who refers to her back-passage as 'Jesus', the Daily Mash can reveal. 

Gibbons, 54, calls her vagina 'the hairy Virgin Mary' and nicknamed her last boyfriend's penis 'St John the Baptist' for reasons too disgusting for the internet.

One friend said: "She knew exactly what she was doing when she named that poor bear Muhammad. She once sent me a Christmas card with 'God is cock' written in it."

Nikki Hollis, who taught with Gibbons at a primary school in Liverpool, said she was forever encouraging her pupils to take the Lord's name in vain.

She said: "I once went into her class and she had spelled out the words 'piss-Christ' in fuzzy felt and was getting the kids to sing it over and over again while she played the guitar.

"She always had a teddy nailed to a crucifix in her room, and after the class hamster died she told the children that it had been kicked to death by angels."

Molly Jensen, the headmistress at Gibbons' previous school, said she had no doubt the teacher had set out to offend and called for her to be beheaded on her return to the UK.

She said: "The only reason she was in the Sudan was because I asked her to leave after telling a class of five year-olds that the Holy Mother was a lying slut who took it up the shitter.

"I wanted her stoned in the playground, but the governors said no."

Meanwhile, an elated Mrs Gibbons said: "This is all just a silly misunderstanding, I never meant to name the teddy bear Muhammad, just his cock."