Cows Blame Sheep For Foot And Mouth Lab Leak

THE cows have blamed the sheep for the recent foot and mouth outbreak and accused their animal foes of turning the conflict in the countryside into a dirty war. 

The cows, who declared war on the sheep in April this year, said a small flock of sheep was spotted acting strangely in the area where the outbreak occurred last week.

One cow claimed to have seen sheep talking to suspicious figures in white coats who worked at the nearby animal research laboratory which has been identified as the source of the disease.

Another claimed to have seen sheep wearing gas masks carrying test tubes and later to have heard the sound of tinkling glass, giggling, and shouts of “that’ll show ‘em”.

Cow prime minister Edelweiss said the latest development in the war of the cows and the sheep was “truly shocking”.

He said: “We always suspected the sheep would fight dirty. As soon as we declared war they took to the hills and refused to face us in a proper battle. They are evil personified.”

However, the sheep's dirty tactics may yet backfire: their sneak attack using chemical weaponry has enraged the pigs who are now threatening to join the war as allies of the cows.

Major General Horace Wilpole, an expert in porcine warfare, said the pigs could bring the conflict to a swift end as they were well-equipped and ferocious fighters. "They are absolute animals," he said. 

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'24' Recycles Plots To Cut Carbon Footprint

KIEFER Sutherland's hit show ‘24’ is to be produced using plot twists and dialogue entirely recycled from previous episodes to make it into the world’s first carbon neutral television programme.

Environmentally damaging filming will be kept to a minimum, with most scenes just being acted out in front of onlookers who will be asked to remember them and then tell their friends.

All car chases and explosions on the next series will be fuelled by gas produced by the actors themselves, who will eat a high-fibre vegetarian diet for the duration of production.

Once production is completed none of the shows will be broadcast anyway to ensure the impact of '24' on the environment is kept to an absolute minimum.

Mr Sutherland, who stars in the show as action hero Jack Bauer, said: “Science tells us that every day Polar bears are drowning because of global warming caused entirely by the wicked and sinful industries of film and television.

“We at ‘24’ have always done our utmost to reduce our impact on the environment by using just the one plot in our first six series along with dialogue that was completely lacking in any climate destroying originality. However, we now realise we must do more.”

Mr Sutherland said the next series of ‘24’ would also feature storylines emphasising the perils of global warming and the steps individuals could take to reduce their own impact on the environment, but only if they had been featured in other shows before.

He said the main storyline would see Jack Bauer battling a vicious group of Islamist terrorists seeking to destroy the world by leaving their televisions on stand-by at night rather than switching them off at the wall.

In one key scene 19 of the terrorists will board four separate aircraft headed for various destinations around the US, and then just sit there and do nothing but laugh as they completely ruin the planet for everyone else.

Mr Sutherland said he was already taking major steps to reduce the damage he was doing to the environment in his own life by turning the air-conditioning down a bit in all his houses when he was not there, and by telling his chauffeur not to rev the engine on his stretch limousine too much when waiting for him outside restaurants.