Computer Game Fan No Time To Masturbate

TOP World of Warcraft player Jason Stibbles could be forced to give up masturbation altogether after the hugely popular online game unveiled its new expansion called Wrath of the Lich King.

Stibbles, 14, a Draenei warrior with the Alliance, is currently managing just one act of self-pleasuring a week due to his massive online gaming commitments, compared to the four a day regarded as normal for his age by most experts.

However, he said even this solitary hand-job was unlikely to take place “for the foreseeable future” after it emerged the WoW expansion would raise the level cap from 70 to 80 while adding an additional realm and a new player class of Demon Felcher.

Stibbles said: “The increase in the level cap is a crusher. I had just reached the stage where I thought I could ease back to just ten hours a day on the game and spend some more time wanking, but that looks a long way off again now.

“Still I am hugely excited about the prospect of exploring this new territory and the revelation about the new class really makes up for all the masturbation I am going to miss. I can’t wait to become a Demon Felcher.”

Jason’s mum Ellen Stibbles, 43, said she was “extremely angry” about the game’s expansion and beside herself with worry about her son’s total lack of interest in "pulling his own pudding".

She said: “It can’t be right for a young lad of his age to spend ten hours a day in front of a computer screen without once tapping ‘filthy, sex, nude, girls’ into his search engine. It’s got so bad I’m hiding porno mags under his mattress. It’s not normal.”

However, Halsy Knox, chief executive of the charity Masturbation Concern, welcomed the announcement.

He said: “Jason and millions like him have been spared a life of binge wanking, and the blindness and derangement which inevitably follows, by this latest expansion of the World of Warcraft. Hopefully, he will now grow up to be a perfectly normal obsessive player of online fantasy games and not some kind of demented pervert."


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Crocs Link To Smugness And Idiocy

WEARING Crocs shoes will transform you from a normal adult into a horribly self-satisfied and “self-consciously whacky tosser”, leading doctors warned last night.

Donning the brightly coloured plastic footwear is likely to make middle class women believe their dress sense is a lot more interesting than it really is, the doctors added.

Their research suggests Crocs may also encourage such women to think they are “a bit kooky” and individual, when in reality they are just wearing stupid shoes aimed at kids, and copying all their friends.

Cherie Jackers, whose parents David and Enid are leading vegetarians and caravanners, said she loved her Crocs and had bought them for all the family.

She said: “When I was at school I was always considered to be a bit of a crazy one and I was forever having to tell my friends to not mind me because I was ‘a bit mad’.

“So you can imagine Crocs are just perfect for me, they show everyone I am not just a sweaty mum with bad hair, but a really interesting individual with interesting and individual taste, just like the millions of other interesting and individual mums who wear Crocs too.”

Mrs Jackers said the shoes were “fantabulous” because she could wear them with anything, including her favourite grey jogging trousers with the bobbles and the saggy bum.

She said: “It doesn’t matter if the colours clash, or if the Crocs look stupid and out of place. In fact that’s the point of them. It just proves I’m totally crazy.”

Chloe Jackers, 11, and her brother Sam, 10, said their mother was “an embarrassment” and that while Crocs were “all right for five year olds I suppose” they were planning to burn theirs and run away from home.

Dr Raj Peshwar, a behaviourial psychologist and expert on the middle classes who conducted the research project, said Mrs Jackers was “unbearably smug” and a “total fucker”. “I hope she dies, horribly,” he added.