Cows Declare War On Sheep

RURAL Britain is bracing itself for bloodshed and mass destruction after the cows declared war on the sheep.

Tensions have been building between the two species since a young cow was bitten and kicked by a gang of sheep in Wiltshire 18 months ago.

Last night both sides said that diplomatic efforts had failed and that conflict was now inevitable.  

Cow Prime Minister Edelweiss, a four-year old Holstein from a farm near Buxton in Derbyshire, said: "This morning the cow ambassador handed the sheep a final note, stating that unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock, that they were prepared, at once, to apologise for the biting incident, a state of war would exist between us.

"I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received and that consequently the cows are at war with the sheep."

Cow soldiers across the country have received orders from their high command and will begin a full-scale attack within days.

The sheep are expected to fight a brief rearguard action before taking to the hills to mount a guerrilla campaign.

A spokesman for the National Farmers Union said: "It's very difficult to milk cows when they're at war. I would advise everyone to stock up on dairy products and jumpers."

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Boffins Invent Self-Hoovering Floor

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have patented what they claim is the world's first self-hoovering floor.

The ingenious device, backed by a £20m grant from Scottish Enterprise, looks like an ordinary floor but has thousands of small holes which are attached to a powerful vacuum motor stored in a cupboard.

At the flick of a switch the suction starts and anything within a five centimetre radius of each hole is removed quickly and cleanly.

Project director Dr Henry Brubaker said his team were now fixing the remaining few glitches in the system.

 "The main problem at the moment is that you have to leave the room when it's switched on otherwise you'll be stuck to the floor.

"We've also noticed that larger objects get stuck in the holes and this produces a noise that makes you want to die."

He added: "We're currently working with carpet manufacturers so that the holes in the carpets line up with the holes in the floor."

A Scottish Enterprise spokesman said: "This is a great investment. Within a few years anyone who doesn't have a self-hoovering floor will be shunned by decent society and forced to live under a bridge."