'Genius' Chimps Spend All Day Throwing Shit

GENIUS chimps who beat students in an intelligence test still spend most of their day throwing shit at each other, scientists confirmed last night. 

Dr Wayne Hayes, director of chimps at the Monkey Institute, said he thought the memory challenge overstated the chimps’ intelligence as none had showed any humility in victory.

He said: “All they did was frantically scratch at each others privates and bare their arses at their poor opponents. I don't call that clever, do you?”

He added: “The main thing they all seem to remember very well indeed is my face, what time I come to feed them, and where it was they left a really smelly, sticky piece of chimp shit.

“They are also very good at remembering that my assistant Rebecca does not like being chased around a cage by a gang of hairy arses with bright pink erections.”

Dr Hayes cautioned against attributing too much significance to the chimps’ success in the tests pointing out they had only defeated a group of first-year university undergraduates.

“Out of that lot, I know who I'd choose to go to Starbucks for me,” he said.

One other key test of memory devised by Dr Hayes involved the offer of free tickets to see the Spice Girls on their reunion tour.

He added: “The students accepted immediately, but every single chimp said ‘no thanks’ on the grounds they remembered the video for Viva Forever.”

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