Man realises he is girlfriend’s cat’s butler

A MAN has come to realise that his main role in life is to serve his girlfriend’s cat.

Tom Logan has accepted it is his job to constantly open doors for tabby Tosca, as well as attending to his bathroom needs and ensuring he is fed to the highest standard.

Logan said: “My main job is letting the master of the house in and out whenever I hear miaowing at a door or window. I might start wearing a butler’s uniform like Anthony Hopkins to show I accept my place in the order of things.

“Dinner must be served in accordance with strict etiquette, which is to say in Tosca’s special bowl with the word ‘cat’ on it, because for some reason he dislikes the plastic one.

“Meals must always be of the highest quality from a ‘gourmet’ brand pouch containing ‘salmon and fine beans’ or similar that look nicer than the garbage I eat in the company canteen.

“I’m also Tosca’s chauffeur, driving him to his personal physician Mr Knowles the vet whenever he needs his claws trimming. I wish someone would cut my nails for me. How the other half lives.”

Logan was then called away urgently by Tosca to empty his litter tray, which he cannot use with more than one turd in it due to his refined nature.

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Man now desperate for Brexit news after day two of 'rich woman fires out quite large baby'

AFTER two days of ‘posh woman has the baby’, a man has realised he actually misses news about Brexit.

Tom Logan confirmed that after reading a news item about which nursery the baby will attend he craved complex, mind-numbing details about the Customs Union.

He said: “When my wife gave birth I told her ‘good for you’, but now I’ve got the BBC sending me push notifications about somebody else’s child like I should give a shit.

“At one point they were saying ‘this baby is huge’ and I was like ‘oh man, maybe it’s like a little adult? Maybe it has a beard?

“Turns out it was just like a normal sized, non-freakishly large baby.

“So I then Googled ‘could customs arrangements in Switzerland be a solution to the Irish border question’. At this point I’d even endure a tweet from Daniel Hannan.”

Logan added: “I’ll spend the rest of the week Googling Brexit hot takes until everybody remembers the baby is just a collection of cells fired out by another collection of cells, and is not automatically more interesting just because those cells are banging some bald prince.”