Corbyn asks Jewish people to stop being bad

JEREMY Corbyn is meeting Jewish groups to ask them to stop being bad people and provoking his supporters.

The Labour leader is meeting representatives of the Board of Deputies of British Jews and the Jewish Leadership Council to show them a better way, called ‘socialism’.

He said: “I bet you didn’t know this: Karl Marx was a Jew. And he was the greatest person ever to have lived.

“So you don’t have to be a rapacious capitalist, or an occupying colonialist benefiting from a racist system of apartheid, or any of the other bad things you’ve been forced into by our unequal society.

“You could be your own people, and those people would support Jeremy Corbyn uncritically. Not only would you not face justifiable anti-Semitism on social media, you’d be happier in yourselves.”

He added: “If you could realise that your religion is wrong and discriminatory and give up on it that would be fantastic.

“I’m just trying to help you.”

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Dad blissfully unaware that ‘Netflix and chill’ means shagging

A MAN who asked his son’s girlfriend if she was going to stay for ‘Netflix and chill’ with the family has made everyone present want to curl up and die.

Martin Bishop, 54, used the popular phrase in an attempt to ingratiate himself with the younger generation, but instead caused horrendous embarrassment.

Bishop’s son Tom said: “It’s a shame because he’s usually alright. He’s not one of those dads who wears Crocs outdoors or gets drunk and cries over Father and Son by Cat Stevens.

“The phrase ‘Netflix and chill’ has been around for so long now that it has even infiltrated the minds of middle-aged IT consultants who mumble ‘It’s not the same without Clarkson’ every time Top Gear comes on.

“Unfortunately dad thinks the phrase literally means to relax whilst watching television. I explained this to my girlfriend, so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think we engage in group sex sessions as a family.

“She has been making comments about ‘needing a bit more space’, but I’m sure that’s totally unrelated.”