Neighbourhood dogs enjoy ‘top-notch’ two-hour barking session

A GROUP of neighbourhood dogs said last night’s two-hour barking session was one of the best this year.

The barking began shortly after 11pm in Peterborough and spread rapidly across a half mile radius, involving up to 14 dogs.

Martin Bishop, a black labrador, said: “I thought that session had a really good consistency. Very few lulls.

“Personally, I felt I was in very good voice. I was alternating between single, throaty barks and short bursts of extremely loud barking. I think it worked really well.”

Wayne Hayes, a springer spaniel, said: “Took me a while to get into it this time. I was tired as I’d been running around all day like a total and utter psychopath. But when a good bark starts you just get carried along with it, don’t you?

“I’m pretty sure I woke a baby, so I’m happy with my performance.”

Bishop added: “My owner came downstairs and told me to ‘shut my fucking face’. He was really angry with me, it was actually quite unpleasant. He even asked me ‘who started it’. I was like, ‘grow up’.”

“Anyway that was excellent. I feel so much better.”

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National Orgasm Day followed by National Avoiding Eye-Contact Day

THE celebration of National Orgasm Day has been followed by a day of changing the subject, turning over and pretending to go to sleep.

Today’s festivities, which began shortly after midnight, are traditionally themed around non-communication, unspoken embarrassment and buried feelings of shame.

Joanna Kramer of Cambridge said: “I was exultant about National Orgasm Day, as I’m sure the neighbours were aware.

“But immediately it was over I began the next day’s more muted commemorations by remembering I’m too fat, worrying my relationship’s going nowhere and wishing he’d put a bulb in that ceiling light.

“12 hours later, I’m still inwardly cringing and hoping it doesn’t happen again anytime soon. Thanks, National Orgasm Day!”

Librarian Tom Booker said: “I celebrated National Orgasm Day on my own this year.

“At first I felt sorry for myself, but actually I think it makes the next day so much less stressful.”