A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.
Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.
He said: "In case you were wondering – yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard.
"If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"
Anyway – after my excruciatingly painful success with the banana, my next thought was 'get this bloody thing off my head and unlock the door to the laboratory'. Thus far, no joy."
Ian added: "Oh and by the way, I'm not a huge fan of bananas – I was just absolutely starving.
"I actually prefer an oatcake with a wee bit of Cambozola. But it was nice of you to make that assumption. Racists."
Ian's banana eating feat has been hailed as a crucial step towards turning the special effects of Star Wars into reality.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We're slowly getting to grips with the Force, but our light sabre is still a bit pathetic.
"It makes a great noise but it can barely cut through porridge."